No-Fun Number Ones: The Worst Chart Toppers Since Tiffany
It's no secret that chart success is no real guarantor of musical quality. Hell, "(How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window?" went number one way back in 1952, pissing kids off so badly that they had to invent rock 'n roll. Twenty-five years ago this week, however, Billboard reached a new low when mall-pop singer Tiffany's Tommy James & the Shondells cover "I Think We're Alone Now" went number one. The song stayed in the top spot for two weeks, a triumphant glory for possibly the '80s most cheerfully disposable bubblegum. After Tiffany, it seemed as though any old crap you could think of was capable of hitting number one on the charts.
Denim never dies.
Sadly, the past two-and-a-half decades have only confirmed and reconfirmed that notion. "I Think We're Alone Now," unfortunately, was only the first of dozens of intensely grating, cloying and irritating tunes to top the Billboard Hot 100. As proof, Rocks Off has assembled the 15 worst #1 hits from the past 25 years for your amusement, delight and disgust. Prepare yourselves.
15. Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"
This track hit number one in 2005, causing most of the nation to immediately begin questioning why, exactly, everyone was riding the Neptunes' nuts so hard. At least, that's what should have happened. Instead, "Hollaback Girl" was nominated for two Grammies and became the first digital single to sell a million downloads. Sure, Gwen looked amazing in the music video, but this shit was NOT bananas. It was just shit.
14. Soulja Boy - "Crank That"
Who was blasting this godawful garbage rap and dancing like an idiot back in 2007? YOUUUUUU. Somehow, this infectious tripe had the whole country supermanning any number of hoes before we all began wishing Soulja Boy's career would be given a military funeral.
13. Rick Astley - "Never Gonna Give You Up"
For about five minutes in 2007, this infectiously awful number one hit from 1987 became hilarious. Then it went right back to being insufferable. Trust us, Rick, you can go ahead and give us up already. God knows you've already made us cry.
12. Prince - "Batdance"
Sure, sure: Prince is a genius. But the runaway success of this forgettable soundtrack fodder is more a tribute to the massive popularity of Tim Burton's "Batman" than the creative talents of The Artist. The song went number one in '89 and featured an inventive video starring about 100 Batmen and Jokers, but it's rarely been heard (or requested) since.
11. UB40 - "Can't Help Falling in Love"
"Can't Help Falling in Love" was one of Elvis' more eye-rolling soundtrack hits from his Hollywood period, and absolutely no one was demanding a middle-of-the-road, pop-reggae cover version 32 years later. Undaunted, UB40 defied logic by turning the old chestnut into one of the '80s most insipid number one hits, cementing their status as one of history's whackest bands in the process.
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