Manipulate And Control A Captive Katy Perry (As A New Sim Character That Is)

Huh-huh-huh-huh

​Today the makers of The Sims 3: Showtime announced that Katy Perry will be a playable character on this expansion pack off of The Sims 3, coming in March for whatever it is you play The Sims on. We haven't played the game in years, becuase all we did was build houses for avatars that looked like our exes and burn said houses down with them inside, and it got boring.

Showtime allows you to plan all-star tours for pop stars that you create. You build stages, sets, and build personae. Perry is one character that you can throw on tour. That means you can make the recently-single Perry do whatever you wish. Tour on a stage made of pure fire. Sixteen drummers at once on stage.

Maybe you want her to go onstage and wear nothing but a blue wig, or maybe you just want her to stay home and make dinner clad in only that blue jean bikini she wore in that Rolling Stone photo-shoot. Not sure about all that, but I can dream.

I think I am getting The Sims confused with some sick, twisted fetish scenario in my own head. In (virtual) reality, my Sim would cook and clean for Perry, rubbing her feet in the evening, putting up with copious amounts of verbal abuse, because hey what are boyfriends for, right?

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In addition to Perry, may I suggest a few other pop stars to add to Showtime's stable? Like...

Nickelback

Nothing mean here, I would just like to be in charge of the "biggest band in the world". They seem nice enough, and BTW, tickets go on sale this weekend for their June 2 gig at Toyota Center.

Ke$ha

You wants a beard, you gets a beard. I would attach a beard on my Ke$ha avatar, a beard made of bees! I am really lashing out becuase I have sent her like five pictures of my own beard in various sexual poses and she hasn't posted them to her Tumblr yet. Bitch.

Lana Del Rey

If you have heard Lana Del Rey sing, you know it sounds a lot like the weird Simlish that all Sims folk speak. Couple that with wooden movements and droll, dead expressions, and you have yourself a moneymaker.

Adele

I would put Adele on a tour of all the beaches in the country. This isn't a knock on her weight, but sweet lord, she needs some sun. Plus those tunics that she wears, which she stole from Antony Hegarty have to go. Mmmm-hmmmm.... (snaps fingers and shimmies head)

Lady Gaga

Coffeehouses and honky-tonks, and even more waxed, half-nude male dancers.