KAB Tha Don Knows Children's Movies

Categories: Five Spot

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Tonight, KAB tha Don, monsterly dignitary, will host a mixer celebrating the release of his first proper mixtape, Bully On The Beat, at SF2 North (215 W. Greens Rd).

Now, KAB is nothing short of a Houston Press fan favorite. He is big and mean and, should he choose to be, hyperintimidating. His menace is entirely believable. He is perfectly built for the gangster rapper role, and we've been excited about hearing his tape since his surprisingly sunswept single "Good Music" made its way onto the Internet near the beginning of last year. But still, we, very likely, will not be in attendance tonight.

See, tonight is Movie Night at the Serrano household. Every Friday night, we pick up the boys from Tae Kwon Do, take them to Blockbuster, let them pick a movie, then go home and watch it together. It's a proper good time, and one of the few instances during the week that the boys get to watch TV. We've not missed one in more than two years.

We explained this to KAB, even (jokingly) suggesting that he postpone his mixer until tomorrow and join us instead for a viewing of Diary of a Wimpy kid. His gorgeous response:

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And that's the story of how the KAB Knows Children's Movies feature came to be. What follows is a list of ten beloved children's movies, along with a (mostly sic'd) synopsis of each by one of the most imposing rap forces in town. It couldn't be a better fit.


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Toy Story

How IMDB Saw It: A cowboy toy is profoundly threatened and jealous when a fancy spaceman toy supplants him as top toy in a boy's room.

How KAB Saw It: Talkin' toys? Come on now. Fucc, kids watch anythang.


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Lion King

How IMDB Saw It: Tricked into thinking he killed his father, a guilt ridden lion cub flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King.

How KAB Saw It: My nigga Simba avenges his father's death and gets tha "Pussy"* at tha end.

It's unclear whether he's using "pussy" to mean "vagina" or "pussy" to mean "feline." Either way, it's pretty perfect.


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Peter Pan

How IMDB Saw It: Wendy and her brothers are whisked away to the magical world of Neverland with the hero of their stories, Peter Pan.

How KAB Saw It: That nigga Peter came bacc to tha old hood and beat tha shit out of Captain Hook; fed his ass to tha gator.


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Shrek

How IMDB Saw It: An ogre, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with an annoying donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord, wishing himself King.

How KAB Saw It: Fucc Shrek. Tha jacc ass [Donkey] shoulda had its own movie. That nigga was funny.


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