5 Most Needless Song Updates

Categories: Whatever

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We got into rock journalism from being a local musician, so we understand both sides of the industry pretty well. We've recorded songs that later-on we wish we'd done very differently, and the temptation to go back and re-try for perfection can be very overpowering. Take it from us, though, do not freakin' do it. There is almost no way you're going to accomplish what you set out to do.

Of the many who've tried, here are the five worst offenders.


Bon Jovi, "Prayer '94"

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Bon Fuckin' Jovi... He made Winger look metal, starred in Ally McBeal, and has somehow managed to remain on top with huge tours and platinum albums. We stopped being a Satanist the day we realized that the Jove must in fact be the Devil himself, as there is no other explanation for his continued success. "Livin on a Prayer" is one of his biggest hits, and in 1994 he reworked it into a semi-acoustic monstrosity called "Prayer '94" for his Cross Road collection.

Honestly, the song isn't terrible, and Jovi takes some interesting twists on its performance, but he insists on singing it the exact same way he'd done in the past, which makes the whole thing seem more like a money-play that a man coming to a different conclusion about his work. That and the fact that simplifying the song just makes you realize how unbearably cheesy the lyrics were to begin with.


New Rocky Horror Show, "TW2K"

An update on the signature tune from the Rocky Horror Picture Show was heavily anticipated for the new millennium, and supposedly had the blessing of Richard O'Brien himself up to the inclusion of a cut from his solo record as a B-side. Vinal Edge was the only place in Houston where we could net a copy, and frankly the CD didn't even make it all the way home before we threw it out the window.

We were expecting something rockier, something with a little more distortion in the guitars and bass in the voices. We were expecting something hard, sexy, and throbbing. Instead we ended up with a half-assed electronic effort that would clear a dance-floor faster than a round of free drinks. Why on Earth they would even try that is beyond us since a definitive dance version was already out there courtesy of Damian.



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8 comments
Joshwebster
Joshwebster

That remake of Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" with Bono and shit.

Gaspar_Ramsey
Gaspar_Ramsey

Evidently, you spent too much time playing in over-amped garage bands with the garage door closed. Clapton's virtuosity on the acoustic guitar rivals that of Jose Feliciano, and stands as proof that it is possible to make good music without the piercing, screeching noise presented by bands like Kiss and Metallica.

Spit
Spit

Edward Furlong. Ha. But, seriously Clapton always plays like he is about to fall asleep. I think unplugged clapton is much better than aimless electric clapton. Not that I even care about it either way. He's just some old dude that still plays guitar.

MadMac
MadMac

"You know who he beat? Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," a song that literally changed music as we knew it for the next decade."

Yeah, you know another song that changed music for a decade? "Songbird." Not all Grammy fails are bad. Just saying. 

2xderr
2xderr

What about the Starbucks acoustic re-release of Jagged Little Pill?

Katy
Katy

I'd never heard "Unforgiven III" before. 

About half way through, it occurs to me that what this song needs is Lou Reed.

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