Five Things Madonna Should Avoid For A Successful Super Bowl

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Lose the cigarette, for crying out loud. Super Bowl halftime shows are supposed to be tasteful.
Long rumored, now confirmed, Madonna will be the featured halftime performer at Super Bowl XLVI:

She's also only the second major female artist (besides Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas) to grace the Super Bowl halftime stage in eight years. And Madonna is somewhat of a risque choice, as she's been known to drum up controversy of her own. Her 1989 "Like a Prayer" music video, with its burning crosses, drew received criticism from Catholics. She also stirred up debate in 2006 when she staged a crucifixion during her Confessions tour.

On one hand, the 53-year old Madonna fits squarely in with the recent (since Nipplegate) tradition of sticking with older musical acts. On the other...well, burning crosses and Catholic imagery are really the least of what the singer of "Justify My Love" has been infamous for in the past.

There's a sizable portion of Rocks Off's brain that would be more than happy to see the Madonna of old make an appearance in Indianapolis in February, but the former Material Girl is at somethings of a crossroads. Her new movie W.E. (which she wrote and directed) opens next year, and there are rumors of a new single. After a long period of relative obscurity, the Super Bowl might be just the opportunity Madonna needs to launch herself back into popularity.

Just don't screw it up by doing any of the following.

Disrobing
This is the Big One. After all, a barely exposed areola was what started this whole Puritanical stampede towards middle-of-the-road halftime shows in the first place. When was the last time Madonna got starkers (on purpose, not those leaked backstage shots from earlier this year)? Body of Evidence? Her Sex book? Whatever, she'd be wise to heed her own words from Live Aid: "I'm not taking shit off today!"

Note, we couldn't actually find footage of her saying that. But we totally have a VHS of the show confirming our statement.


Masturbating

It isn't like nobody masturbates in Indianapolis, they just don't want to be reminded of the fact. For this reason, Madonna should leave this particular bit off the menu.


Smoking

Rocks Off has a hard time believing anyone with Madonna's physique still partakes of demon tobacco, but the occasional butt probably isn't out of the question. Whatever the case may be, smoking on TV these days is strictly verboten.


Adopting
In spite of the fact Super Bowl tickets can cost thousands of dollars, there are likely to be children present. As Madonna seems to have tired of adopting kids from Malawi, she may be setting her sights on domestic children, and grabbing kids out of the stands is generally considered a poor PR move.


Acting
It's been almost ten years since Madonna's last lead acting role (in then-husband Guy Ritchie's Swept Away). Here's to another ten, and a Super Bowl halftime free of amateur thespian-ism.

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3 comments
DuckDuckGoose
DuckDuckGoose

Madonna suggestion. Three words.

WeddingDressFloor

Guest
Guest

What she should do is get JT out for 4 minutes

Stucullen
Stucullen

If you're going to be a diva yourself, then don't watch!

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