Last Night: Kanye West, Jay-Z and the Watch the Throne Tour at Toyota Center
8:08: You know what's just never a slick move? Red wine in a plastic cup. Just an FYI, ladies. "Oh, you're drinking red wine? That's classy. Wait. Is that a plastic cup? Never mind. I forgot this was the Walmart break room."
Photos by Marco Torres
8:58: Ooh, neat. There's a guy here wearing a jacket just like that one Miguel wears in the "Sure Thing" video. He must've just gotten here from the future.
9:20: Oh fuck. Show's starting. "H.A.M."
9:20:15: Crap. Man-boner already. Figured this would happen -- Jay and Kanye are two of the best concert performers on the planet -- just not this early. Time to play the sly Sit Down To Try And Conceal The Boner game. Not awesome.
9:20:30: Just in case there are any young dudes without dads reading this review, a quick rundown of some practical ways to hide a boner:
(a) Sit down. Say something like, "I'm tired. I'm going to sit down. Not because I have a boner though."
(b) Put both hands in your hands in your pockets. Say something like, "I'm tired. I'm going to put my hands in my pockets. Not because I have a boner though."
(c) If possible, grab, like, a sweater or something and hold it in front of it. Say something like, "I'm tired. I'm going to put a sweater in front in front of my penis. Not because I have a boner though."
Those three should get you through your 30s. Life lessons here at Rocks Off.
9:21: Kanye is on stage alone. He's wearing a leather skirt. Under that, he has leather pants. And he looks like just about the coolest.
If Young Paul Newman (perhaps the coolest guy in history) had sex with a separate Young Paul Newman from a different universe (totally plausible, bro; didn't you see The One?) and they had a Baby Paul Newman, and Baby Paul Newman was twice as cool as his Young Paul Newman daddies, Baby Paul Newman would still be like, "Yo, oh shit. Kanye West is looking like just about the coolest in that leather skirt." That's what's going on right now.
9:24: Kanye and Jay are on two separate elevated stages. The walls of the stages are light walls. When the music stops, they display slow motion pictures of what might be Dobermans barking. Not sure what it means, but it's provocative.
9:27: A gigantic flag unravels down from the ceiling. That can only mean one thing: the Pledge of Allegia-- ohp. Never mind. They're doing "Otis." Almost called that one perfect.
9:38: They've split. Jay is doing a solo set. "Jigga What" to start.
9:40: Kanye's back. "Can't Tell Me Nothing." Jesus. This place is out of it right now. You know those fighting games where you get to play as a team, and whenever one of your guys starts to lose even just a little energy, you swap him out for someone equally menacing? That's what Jay and Kanye appear to have planned tonight. And that shit is super effective.
9:45: "Jesus Walks." Still in a leather skirt. Still looking like the shit. Even Jesus is probably looking down like, "Yo, dad, fa'real, fa'real: If I started wearing a leather skirt, would you be totally pissed?" Do they sell leather skirts at the Galleria, because we're totally going right the fuck after the show to get one.
9:55: "Diamonds from Sierra Leone."
9:56: MY NAME IS HOV, H TO THE O-V.
10:11: More duet stuff. While Kanye raps, they play a clip of Martin Luther King Jr. giving a speech. While Jay raps, they play a clip of Malcolm X giving a speech. That's kind of... eh. Your call.
10:15: They're sitting right in the middle of the ledge around the middle section of the stage. The hum of "New Day" pumps on. That's the song from WTT where they rap to their unborn sons. It's very cool and seems very honest. They show a close-up of Kanye's face. He looks serious as shit. He looks like how Kobe looks when he's about to try to rip someone's heart out in the 4th quarter; growling, almost. Neat.
10:17: Um, our Beautful Wife, very much into the show, looks like she's about to cry. Weird. She does this, but not very often anymore. When we were first dating, she'd cry if we ran out of milk. Then she had her abdomen sliced open so they could remove two humans that were living in her uterus. She's sledgehammer tough now. You could tear her arms from her torso and she'd mostly just be upset that you got blood on the floor that she's going to have to clean up, a task made exponentially more difficult because you just pulled her arms off. Gahd, you are SO inconsiderate.
10:24: ahahahahaha. While prowling around the stage (at different points in the show, they'd play clips of animals -sharks, dogs, lions -- being very animal-y), Jay locks eyes with a young-ish girl in a neon shirt to the left of the stage. She's rapping word for word with him, jumping around like a madwoman. He stays with her, acknowledges her, then walks away. She loses her shit, turning to her friend and grabbing at her. Excellent moment. She'll probably remember that for the rest of her young adult life.
10:25: Oh snap. Kanye, back on one of the solo stages, is being raised towards the sky again. "Runaway" is chirping towards fruition. The whole stage is glowing red. Very, very cool. The man-boner is back. Dang it.
10:27: A curious segment from the first verse of the song: "She find pictures in my email. I sent this bitch a picture of my dick. I don't know what it is with females, but I'm not too good at that shit."
Um, you don't know what it is with females, Kanye? Well, we're no relationship therapist or anything, but this seems like a pretty easy problem to fix: If you're dating one woman, don't send a separate woman a picture of your dick.
That's kind of, like, a big thing to them. Just a thought.