5 Bands Lou Reed Should Have Called Instead of Metallica

Categories: Lists

As mentioned in Nathan Smith's "Bummer, Dude: The 10 Big Musical Disappointments of 2011", Lulu, the not-at-all-anticipated-by-me aural abortion resulting from the un-Godly union of The Progenitor of All Things Cool, Three Insufferable Man-Children & Kirk Hammett, SUCKED. This was crushing for me on so many fronts, mainly because Lou Reed is a personal deity, but also because Metallica. These guys are just the living worst. Before you say "but April, Master of Puppets, Kill 'em All, ...And Justice For All, etc!" I've got one sentence for you "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle." Also, I've got another sentence for you, "Chide the lightening." which sounds really hilarious in my head but I can't work it into this article as anything other than a non sequitur.

But back to Lou Reed.

Lou Reed (I will be calling him by his entire name out of respect) led The Velvet Underground, in my opinion, the most important band ever. Oh, The Beatles did acid and got all crazy, but Lou Reed jammed the spike of a million filthy lives into the collapsed vein of rock & roll and shit got weird. And every time any band in the last forty years did something cool and crazy it was more often than not because of him. With his list of followers who have built upon his foundations and created classic pieces of arty or experimental rock music he could have chosen anyone else in the world. These are 5 of the artists that I really wish he had considered before releasing this meaty chud and hoping people wouldn't notice it wasn't a record instead of excrement comprised entirely of vanity.

dinosaur jr by Gitte Johannessen.jpg

5. Dinosaur, Jr

Can't you just imagine it!? In 2009 they released one of their best albums, not only after reforming, but of their entire career. What better way to enshrine their standing as indie rock heavyweights than to enter into this union? Lou Reed and J. Mascis are both masters of guitar-driven, pop-skewing songwriting and both are uniquely clever lyricists. And hearing those voices in unison would be such a dream compared to what we got instead, "The View" sounds like a schizophrenic street preacher lecturing a gravel-voiced chronic masturbator. I HATE IT.


4. Sonic Youth

I mean this is a total doy bomb, right? There is absolutely no question the debt that the Youth owe the Velvets, compound that with the fact that they're probably the two most important noise/experimental rock bands in like EVER and you can say the same about both bands' contribution to the pantheon of "New York Cool". And who knows, maybe it might have kept Kim and Thurston together. Forget about Lulu, think about Coco!

arcadefire Anton Corbijn.jpg
Photo by Anton Corbijn.

3. Arcade Fire

Riding high off of their Grammy win, this could have been mind-blowing. They no doubt have the instrumental muscle to create an outright masterpiece. Win Butler's laments of suburban ennui butting heads with Lou Reed's gritty city stories would have created a pants-ruining symphony of contradictions. And I'd take Richard Parry's helmet thwacking over that move Robert Trujillo does where it looks like he's trying to pick a wedgie without using his hands any day of the week.

2. Placebo

Singer, Brian Molko doesn't own a mirror, he just has the cover of Transformer hanging over his bathroom sink. If they joined forces with Lou Reed there's a chance that they could write the most perfect song about heroin EVER. Instead we have Lou Reed insisting that this cacophony of narcissism is "for literate people".

1. The Strokes

I feel that Nathan overlooked their 2011 release Angles on his list of disappointments. It was a huge letdown for me, but I can see how a middling fourth album by a distracted outfit wouldn't be a huge deal for most people. At the time I joked that this was the result of five talented individuals hearing a lackluster song idea and then agreeing that it was a good idea to pursue it to its mediocre end. Later I found out that they were barely even in the same room together with ideas being phoned in (or rather emailed in) left and right. But how might it have changed our record collections and possibly the history of rock and roll if we could have gotten The Strokes in the studio with Lou Reed? Instead of two albums swarming the cut-out bins in the following years we might have had a match made in the Lower East Side (I would have paid The Strokes cab fare from Manhattan myself).

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Heaven lorenz
Heaven lorenz

So I like Metallica, I like Lulu. They've had a couple album flops, got into some serious shit, sold out a couple times but people have to loyal to something. In my house, Metallica was like the only thing I ever hear and it sticks but when people now say they hate them for Lulu which many regard as a mistake I just think that no one's perfect we are allowed a mistake or two in life. Also I want to see u try to put up with Lars for thirty years because that takes persistence.

Jim Porter
Jim Porter


Also, I hate on Metallica.


arcade fire *snore*


Not everyone hates Lulu, and so what, just because the great majority didnt like the album, and I mean, the majority who listen to mtv and pop music didnt like it, then its a really bad album?, I think thats a really sincere peace of music, crude, and something we rarely hear today, with plastic bands on the radio, this album its a miracle, I love Lulu, I love the collaboration between lou reed and the gretest heavy rock band of all time. point.


Nice I guess it is just a cool thing these days to hate on Metallica. How fair is it to discredit all of their work because of 1, 2 or even 3 albums. Sorry if you hate Metallica, you hate Metallica. Maybe its not the kind of music everyone likes to hear. So be true to yourself and to others, and admit that. In a career spanning 30 years, you cannot expect all pieces of work to be great or even good.

As far as Lulu is concerned, it is Reed who sounds bad, not Metallica. In my opinion, it is Metallica who should have declined to do the album when Reed approached them.


With such a relaxed standard for miracles, here are some others I might recommend to you: ABC's Cop Rock, McDonald's Arch Deluxe, Adam Sandler's Jack & Jill, E.T. for the Atari 2600.


"gretest (sic) heavy rock band of all time"Now that's a depressing statement.


It's pretty brave to take a stand and defend a band like Metallica, I mean, it's not like they have millions of fans and don't desperately need some hack freelancer's approval. But I accept your condolences on not liking Metallica, it's a really hard row to hoe. Like you said, I have to be true to myself and admit that I don't like them (I suppose I wasn't clear enough up there), is there a 12-step program I might consider? Perhaps there's a step where I can make amends by buying Lars that gold-plated shark tank.

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