Houston Rap's Offensive Starting Lineup

Categories: Five Spot

Earlier this week, the defensive starters for the Houston rap football team were announced. They are a surly, nasty, potentially deadly bunch. They play hard and fast and with abandon.

Today, the offensive starters are announced. Were we picking rappers from Houston from any time period (say, grabbing them while they were in their athletic prime), this lineup likely would've looked a lot different. The rappers from then and now are wholly separate in structure (potential O line: H.A.W.K., Moe, Pokey, Scarface, Willie D).

As such, with this new class of players, we're going to depend heavily on speed and agility in the offense. This is a young man's offense. Spread the defense out. Pick them apart.


Quarterback: He's in charge of running the offense. He needs to be a leader of men, confident in his athletic ability as much as his ability to leech the best from his players. Also, it helps if he's tall.

Starter: Kane

Why: Blam-o. Our surprise pick. Kane has been instrumental in establishing this whole New Houston movement. He is a natural businessman. People listen to him. They trust him. No doubt, this would translate to the football field.

Thumbnail image for School Boy Music - mar18.jpg
Dante Higgins, running back
Running Back: Um, duh, he runs the ball. This offense is predicated on speed. Our running back should reflect that. But he should also be strong. Think Adrian Peterson.

Starter: Dante Higgins

Why: He has a neck that's 37 inches in circumference (we're estimating) and remarkable athleticism. We played basketball with Higgins once or twice before. One play, someone tried to lob a running layup over him. He sprung up -- from flat feet, mind you -- blocked the shot out of bounds, then, soon as his tip-toes touched the floor, exploded towards the ball, grabbing it before he or it touched the ground, and threw it back in to one of his teammates. It was remarkable. He appeared to only be half-trying.

Note: Higgins actually played receiver in college.

Fullback: This is our short yardage workhorse. Also, he's in charge of run-blocking and pass-blocking. He should be low to the ground, dense and have a concrete forehead. It'd be neat if he had a heavy brow, but that's only for cosmetic purposes.

Starter: D-Risha

Why: For all of the reasons listed above. He'd be like a little, biracial Vonta Leach.

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