VMA Recap: Beyonce's Baby Bump, Lady Gaga Goes Mannish Boy, Katy Perry's Cheesehead

8:01 p.m.: MTV's VMAs are coming on. Let's write some words down about some things that happen.

8:01:30: Some tiny guy who's introduced himself as Joe Calderon is on. Not familiar with him. He's a weird looking little fell - oh shit. That's Lady Gaga. Ha. Nice one, Gaga.

8:02: She's pretending to be a guy who either has dated or is dating Gaga. Is this better than the meat dress?

8:02:15: Yep, it's better. (Nope, it's not better, says every lion ever.)

8:02:30: (Lions love meat.)

8:02:45: Remember that movie Just One of the Guys? That's exactly how she looks. Cool. She's a good-looking man. It's okay to say that, right? So confused right now.

8:04: AHAHAHAHA. They cut to Bruno Mars in the crowd and he looks exactly like Gaga looks dressed as a man. Bruno Mars is Man Gaga.

8:07: Gaga is doing a bluesy version of "You and I" and it's jammin' hardcore. Gaga is no joke, bro.

8:07:04: We mean, you know, except for all non-music stuff. But besides that, yo, she is blindingly talented. Go figure.

8:10: ...and the first hip-hop song they play tonight: "No Hands." Awesome. Or shit. Who knows anymore? Is Waka Flocka there, did they let him in?

8:13: ...and the award for Dumb Shit Outfit goes to... Nicki Minaj. What is she wearing? It looks like she just grabbed a bunch of garbage and said, "Eh, I guess I'll just stick this on my body." Awesome.

8:14: Skinny Jonah Hill is still pretty chunky.

8:16: They're doing the Best Pop Video category. Did you know that Britney Spears is still alive? Because she is.

8:16:30: What the? Britney won. She beat Adele? Oh, MTV viewers. Not cool, guys.

8:16:40: By the way, the first person Britney thanked when she won was, duh, God. He gets a lot of play at awards shows. Do you think she thought about him at all when that picture of her vagina was up all over the place? He probably thought that was funny as shit.

8:23: Jay and Kanye are about to come out and do "Otis." They're supposed to be the surprise special performers, only it was announced, like, two days ago that they were going to be there. MTV is pretty terrible at surprises.

8:25: Ha. During their performance, someone (briefly) ran onstage before being whooshed away by security. Something about irony.

8:27: Best Rock Video: Foo Fighters. Cool. How old are those guys?

8:35: If you had the "Rebecca Black dressed like a dinosaur doing the Dougie" pick in the Ridiculous Things You'll Probably See On The VMAs pool, you just won. Congrats.