Katy Perry To Beat Michael Jackson, Destroy Earth

Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

katy aug 1 d.jpg
Marc Brubaker
Whether you like her or not, and Rocks Off hates her like a fart that turns into a mild pants soilage, you cannot argue that Katy Perry is poised to take the spot as No. 1 female artist in the world. Her latest single from Teenage Dream, "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" has broken a record held jointly by Lady Gaga and Justin Timberlake by having five No. 1 singles from one album.

Now she is tied with the only other musician to accomplish that feat, Michael Jackson, who scored five No. 1 singles from 1987's Bad. She's aiming to break Jacko's record with a sixth single from Teenage Dream.

So thank you, Katy Perry, for once again proving that most people with ears deserve to be deaf. That's why we're not too sad that your accomplishment means THE END IS NIGH!

As always, the answer lies in the Book of Revelation. Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny...

And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee, and all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou shalt find them no more at all.

The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing,

And saying, Alas, alas, that great city, that was clothed in fine linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious stones, and pearls!

For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as trade by sea, stood afar off,

And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What city is like unto this great city!

And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, that great city, wherein were made rich all that had ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made desolate.

- Rev. 18:14-19

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what the fuck?????????????????this proves that the american population is full of tone deaf idiots omg i hope she fails because not only does her music suck but she cannot sing live to save her life i would be a little less mad if it was gaga to beat MJ but still i think katy shouldnt have released a sixth single because now we know all she cares about is breaking records and i will be furious if she does beat MJOMG SMFH


Jef with One F: You get an 'A' for sense of humor and being on the mark with your Katy analysis. You have a very nicely developed sense of humor and with the Biblical twist....High 5's My Brother! Made my day. Keep the humor there; life needs all the humor it can muster right now.


wow this is pathetic. I threw up in my mouth while reading this disgraceful news.


You said:  "Katy Perry is poised to take the spot as No. 1 female artist in the world."

I say:  "Katy Perry is poised to take the spot as No. 1 musical act singing songs written by ugly Jewish guys far too nerdy to ever front a band". 

That and the fact she'd drink milk out of a cat bowl has led to her success.


I knew she was the anti-christ, especially after the way she treated Elmo.  Such an infernal tart.

Jef With One F
Jef With One F

Why thank you. I do enjoy bringing a bit of much-needed Christian perspective to Rocks Off ;)

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