The Most Ridiculous Houston Rap Rumors Ever

propain no limit july 28.jpg
Earlier this week, Houston rapper Propain signed a deal with No Limit Records. Cool, except that he really didn't.

See, and you likely didn't notice this because it's such a subversive part of the culture, but the environs of rap, themselves tedious and occasionally barbaric, are prime grounds for rumor mongering (rumongering, perhaps?). They pop up ad nauseum.

You say you don't like Rapper X? No sweat. Chop his knees a bit and tell people that he doesn't support the troops or that he used to be a police informant or that he's gay or whatevs. Doesn't matter. Pick what you want. If you say it, it'll get out there. Speak it into existence, just like Jesus said.

Side Note: If you plan on spreading rumors, know that there is a definite correlation between how famous a rapper is and how outrageous a rumor has to be before it gets legs. A superstar rapper requires only a modicum of peculiarity to be attached to his or her name before it rolls itself up into a perfectly efficient scandal.

And lots of time, that shit doesn't even have to be connected through any sort of logic or linearity; it just grows into something awful and nasty and uncontrollable all on its own, willful and originless, like goddamn Nick Cannon**. Mention on Twitter about how when you went to L.A. you think you saw Lil Wayne at Randall's buying chunky peanut butter, and it's not entirely unlikely that you'll read a headline on Media Takeout two hours later like, "Lil Wayne Rumored To Buy Chunky Peanut Butter, Planning Sex Party For Underage Nazi Enthusiasts."

A local guy though, that rumor would have to be fairly substantial for it to rate outside of Houston. He'd have to have been said to have been caught trying to jerk off truckers at a rest stop on I-10, and even then the headline would still read, "Houston Rapper Rumored To Masturbate Truckers, Planning Sex Party For Underage Nazi Enthusiasts."

Side Note, Side Note: Nick Cannon ain't so bad.

At any rate, Propain fake signed with No Limit Records and the appropriate people propagated the idea. He eventually, and rather diplomatically, dismissed the notion. But a topic of conversation sprung up from the fray: What other Houston rap rumors have there been?

Naturally, there have been a ton.

zrocrack-thumb-july 28.jpg
Remember when Z-Ro was murdered? Yep. That was fun. All 17 times it's happened. Those ones always sound wrong when they come - how does one murder the boogeyman? - but the last time, back in 2009, we bothered to call Rap-A-Lot and check to be certain. It was a short conversation, basically like:

Rap-A-Lot: Hello?
Us: Hey, uh, this is Shea with the Press.
Rap-A-Lot: He's not dead [click].

Fuckin' Rap-A-Lot, bro. That was probably their best customer service guy.

Oh, remember when Scarface died? And that time Trae died (shot at Trae Day)? And that time Paul Wall died (shot at a nightclub)? And that time Chamillionaire died (confirmed via the always reliable MySpace Bulletin)? Was that before or after he went broke? It's hard to keep track.

Shit, you could make some up right now if you really feel like it. Add to the lore a bit. Did you know that ESG was struck by lightning as a kid? Yep. It electrifried his brain matter or something, and now his synapses fire faster than normal, that's why he's able to freestyle so well. True story.

Point being: There are a billion rumors. They come and go, floating in and out of circulation as they please. We'd planned to recount the ten or so best, but really, after a certain point, they're all just about the same. There are only two that will likely reverberate in town for the rest of time:



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4 comments
Kevin from SA
Kevin from SA

The pure hilarity of this article was classic

Zanda
Zanda

You wasted time and ink. It must be nice to get paid to Waste time. Thanks Press - for your 'Professional' staff.

MASSMURDERMEDIA
MASSMURDERMEDIA

devin the dude got so high one night he raped my dog...  it must be true, after all, you've just read this on the internet...

John Nova Lomax
John Nova Lomax

Somebody once posted on Wikipedia that Kofi Annan honored Z-Ro at the United Nations for being a positive role model for the black youth of the whole world.

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