The 2011 BET Awards, Or The Vindication Of Chris Brown
6:58: High-five to the Houston Press for flying us out to Los Angeles to cover the BET Awards. Cool move. Thus far, it's been extra fun. We ran into Kobe and, um, saw some people filming a movie, and... uh... there were some angels or something, and... there... there was... eh, shit.
We're not in L.A. We're at home, sitting on a couch with unstable support springs and countless pencil/crayon/marker/pen marks on it (pencil marks on fabric don't erase as easily as you'd assume they would). About 25 feet to the right is a bathroom cabinet that's missing a door because it was recently yanked off the hinges by an eager four-year-old. And nine or so feet to the left is a toybox that, in all likelihood, has various bits of foodstuffs mixed in with the cars and planes and motorcycles and so on. Flat root beer on deck.
Booyah. Just like the green room at the awards, to be sure.
7:01: Ah, starting with a Mary J. Blige concert. Blige is still tied for our Favorite Female Singer of All Time award (which, we're just certain, she'll say has made it all worth it). She runs through a few favorites. A promising beginning.
7:14: Kevin Hart, everyone's favorite tiny comedian (Katt Williams is for shit), is hosting. Cool. He'll certainly be more entertaining than the last two traffic cones that hosted (Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah). He came out to Lil Wayne's "6'7"." Funny.
7:25: The first rapping performance is about to start. Rick Ross, DJ Khaled, Ace Hood, Wayne.
7:26: Guys, come on. Rapping over your own beats is never a good idea, even (or especially) if you're Rick Ross.
7:28: Why does Ace Hood look like his face didn't fully develop while he was in the womb? Weird, weird, creepy, weird.
7:29: ...Aaaaaannnddd there's Ricky's man-bosom. It's not a party until you've seen Rick Ross's nipples. Man, they look like giant chocolate pepperonis.
7:31: Quick cut to Jaden and Willow Smith, Will Smith's little starlets, enjoying the peformance. Those kids are either really awesome or really awful.
7:34: An award: the Youngster Award or something. Winner...
7:34:05: ...a tie. Of course. Willow and Jaden.
7:37: BTW, Chris Brown won the evening's first award (Best Male R&B), noteworthy for two reasons: 1) He was wearing a bedazzled bandanna around his neck, as well as jean shorts that had "BBC" spray-painted on his crotch (of course). Glad to see that he took the time to get all dolled up for the show; 2) He's up for several awards tonight, which means he has, potentially, the opportunity to wipe the I Don't Care How Perfect Your Teeth Are, You Punched Rihanna In The Face stigma almost completely away.
7:40: Hart's best contribution thus far: A parody of those wife-based reality TV shows. Is that Bobby Brown? He looks healthy.