Dear Penis: 20 Songs About The Tube Snake Boogie

prince.org

Guess who turns 53 today?

​Good Lord, what would we do if not for Weinergate? It's hot as hell outside, the Astros are terrible and Rick Perry might run for president next year. But as long as there are congressmen tweeting pictures of their junk to women they barely know, Rocks Off has a reason to get up in the morning. And by get up, we mean get up.

But anyone can just whip it out on Twitter or even in the movies. It takes real talent to memorialize your male parts in song. Call it a one-eyed cat peepin' in a seafood store, a love gun or just a dick in a box, the penis has inspired some pretty memorable poetry through the years. Rocks Off stroked around the Internet for a while this morning to see how many of pop's most priapic moments would expose themselves.

It wasn't hard. Our only regret is that parents left for a two-week vacation in Florida today. We know they would be so proud.

​G.G. Allin, "Cock on the Loose": This is just the first cock-related title that came up (oops) when we scrolled down a list of GG's songs; its distaff twin "Cunt on the Loose" wasn't far behind. Did you know he also covered Warren Zevon's "Carmelita"?

Prince, "Soft & Wet": According to funnyordie.com, "Prince's penis has its own penis. And it's bigger than yours." According to this song from his 1978 debut For You, "I got a sugarcane that I wanna lose in you... baby can you stand the pain?" Happy birthday, dude.

See Also: Prince, "Come"; Prince, "Gett Off"; Prince, "Head"

Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Dat Nigga Daz & Nate Dogg: "Deez Nuts": One of Nate's best. Step forward, everyone who has not tried the opening lines of this Chronic track in their own conversation. ("Did what's his name done get at you yesterday?") Not so fast there, Rocks Off.

​Frank Zappa & the Mothers of Invention, "Bwana Dik": Perhaps it's best to let Frank himself take this one.

XTC, "Pink Thing": Even Andy Partridge's highbrow New Wavers weren't above a little tallywhacker talk on 1989's Oranges & Lemons: "When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high."

Lyle Lovett, "Choke My Chicken": Rocks Off has a pretty good idea which natural force the brand-new official Texas State Musician is referring to on this not-so-square dance from his excellent 2009 album.

ZZ Top, "Tube Snake Boogie": Billy, Frank and Dusty keep it all in the family.

Aerosmith, "Big Ten Inch Record": Originally recorded by tenor saxophonist Bull Moose Jackson in 1952, Aerosmith's Toys In the Attic version has inspired quite a bit of debate over whether Steven Tyler is saying "suck on my ten-inch record" or "'cept for my ten-inch record," as per the original lyrics. Here's a hint: It doesn't really matter.

Lou Reed, "My Red Joystick": Who knew Lou liked to play video games?