The Most Bizarre Music Memorabilia Ever Auctioned Off
Have you ever worked in a souvenir store, memorabilia outlet or run an online auction? If so, odds are you have developed a venal, burning hatred for collectors.
michaeljacksonfuneral.org Note: Not the actual million-dollar jacket.
Rocks Off isn't going to mince words: collectors are some of the worst people in the world, and rock collectors are the worst among those. We're not talking about someone who wants to own one of George Harrison's old guitars or one of Billy Gibbons' old amplifiers; such things are genuine articles of music history, and can still be used to create new, beautiful things.
We're not even talking about someone who proudly displays an old pair of Elton John's sunglasses on their mantle as a quirky conversation piece, or buys Michael Jackson's "Thriller" jacket for $1.8 million so he can send it on tour to raise money for children's charities.
No. We're talking about the chronic, obsessive-compulsive addicts who make it their mission in life to own every pair of shoes Rod Stewart ever wore, or who have formed an expensive, museum-quality gallery in their rec room featuring framed towels used to wipe sweat from the faces of performers they may or may not have ever seen live, from performances the collector almost certainly didn't even attend. These people are a nauseating hybrid of hoarder and perfectionist who will drive you crazy with all their specifications, rituals and requirements.
No, you can't ship that 30-year-old pair of Tina Turner's false eyelashes like THAT, you must ship it like THIS, or else the eyelashes get bent against the grain and then I CAN'T DISPLAY THEM. Trust me on this, I am a professional with a lifetime's worth of experience in the packing, shipping and displaying of false eyelashes.
Sorry, can't hear you over the roaring howl of the deep, eternal void in your soul. But please, do continue to try and fill it with tiny pieces of those who have actually accomplished things.
You can keep yourself from turning into one of these people. Simply have a look at the following items which were actually auctioned off. If your reaction is "Seriously? Someone would rather have that than money?", you're fine. If your reaction is "I don't see a problem, that's a perfectly legitimate thing to buy," then please seek help soon before it's too late and you're buried alive under thousands of dollars worth of Eddie Vedder's old jorts.
Justin Timberlake's Half-Eaten Toast: After Justin Timberlake finished an early-morning interview at New York radio station Z-100, the enterprising morning DJ found the half-finished French toast the singer/actor had left behind and got an idea. He auctioned off the breakfast remains on eBay and wound up selling it for $3,154. It was purchased by a fan who said she planned to freeze-dry it, seal it, then put it on her dresser.
nerdapproved.com Yours for only $5!
Pretty sad, yes, but even sadder than that is it's not even the first time someone has auctioned off half-eaten toast: Famous auction house Christie's once sold a piece of toast someone claimed to have swiped from George Harrison's plate at the start of Beatlemania and then had frozen for nearly 30 years. It sold for only $450, which seems paltry compared to Timberlake's sum, but then, Harrison claimed he always finished his toast and the auctioned toast in question couldn't possibly have been his.
Scarlett Johansson's Used Tissue: In December 2008, actress / singer Scarlett Johansson went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to promote one of the worst movies we've ever seen, The Spirit. She did so while suffering from a cold she allegedly caught from Samuel L. Jackson at a promotional appearance for this wretched waste of celluloid, and Leno handed her a tissue with which to dab at the snot gushing noticably from her nose (we may be exaggerating slightly).
Johansson joked "This is Sam Jackson's cold, so bid high!" just before blowing her nose with the tissue. NBC then placed the snotrag on eBay, where it sold for $5,300. All of that money went to benefit the charity USA Harvest, but that's no excuse.