Gothic Council Hands Out Some Goth Blocks
Stevie Ryan has finally shown Gothtopia the way. We had no idea we could use our darksome image to impose our will on the populace at large. Our proof? Her music video for "Goth Blocked."
It's nice to know that the goth community has this kind of power, but like any new tyrannical regime, we we're worried exactly what would be the best use of our iron fist. Such a question required the input of the Gothic Council, which we summoned by pulling them from a tiny top hat.
Joining the Council this week is Punky Moms founder Sarah Fanning; webmistress of Morticia's Morgue, Becky Plexco; Desiree Starke, blogger and hearse enthusiast, and for the first time we gladly welcome the feudal lord of all Houston gothic society, The Count of Montrose.
Sarah Fanning: At the moment, I'd like to goth-block House Speaker John Boehner. You have a lunatic agenda; you wanted to close the government.... Goth block! Seriously, as a federal contractor I hated not knowing if I would have income this week.
The Count of Montrose: My question is, "Is it too late or gauche to state that Charlie Sheen should have been goth-blocked?" Imagine, if you will, during one of his public tantrums that a pale figure adorned with a tiny hat beset him and nixed his trembling vapors with barbed and sarcastic speech... perhaps saving the Two and a Half Men TV program and a set of really terrible Internet memes. Alas. I fear it is too late for the former star of Hot Shots.
If I were forced to choose another prominent figure in our culture that would merit such a dark chastising, it would be Donald Trump. Setting him alight with the fury of a million tiny hats would be the Dark Lord's work for all the stupid things he continues to say that are really attempts to keep the ratings for his boring show up.
We should goth-block that [unpleasant person] Catherine Hardwicke for continuing the neutering of nightmarish creatures such as myself in popular culture with her newest film Red Riding Hood... or as I call it, The Phantom Twilight: Shadows of Sparkling Shit.
I know her newest film is about werewolves, but the idea is the same. I'm sure that somehow the werewolf is just a misunderstood hairy guy that just wants to love instead of responding to his true nature of being magnificent. Who the fuck does she think she is?
Ed. Note: The preceding text was originally sent in all caps. We translated to make it easier on our readers.