The Media Loves Your Album. Who Are You?

Categories: Whatever

If Rolling Stone loves your album, it means...

• You are a well-established musician with legions of loyal fans who may be interested in perhaps taking out some full-page advertisements in, oh, say, some kind of mainstream rock publication.

• Your album was released 30 years ago and our critics at the time shit all over it. History, however, has chosen to remember your album as a classic, so we'll give it a second, glowing review in which we accuse the guy who reviewed it the first time of tragic short-sightedness so that we don't go down in history as the only assholes who didn't like Led Zeppelin III.

If Pitchfork loves your album, it means...

• They are going to fucking detest your second album, whether it's any good or not.

• Expect legions of new "fans" in tight, brightly colored clothes who go to your shows for the sole purpose of finding their friends and talking in a big circle while smoking outside.

• By this time next year, you will be forgotten completely.

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If Entertainment Weekly loves your album, it means...

• Nothing. Entertainment Weekly loves everything.

If The Onion's A.V. Club loves your album, it means...

• You are younger than 25 and brand-new on the scene or older than 60 and never made it big.

• You must have had a ton of obscure literary/pop-culture references on the album. Keep it up.

• You now have the approval of people who think Pitchfork isn't elitist and snobby enough. So... enjoy that.

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Robert Humanick
Robert Humanick

That's either a knowing joke re: Slant, or you guys are the same black-and-white kind of @$$holes who run FOX news.


If Entertainment Weekly likes your album, it also means they'll gloss over any left-leaning message you might have (if you even get reviewed). Most likely it just means you can be played in the background at parties of people who think are kinda hip but never really were (or will ever be).Yes, I got a free year subscription which I tried to read. It's terrible stuff.

Early Cuyler
Early Cuyler

You fucking nailed pitchfork. I can see the angular haircuts and white vinyl belt set getting all worked up with indignation right now...


I'm guessing Urb & Fader fall under the Pitchfork category?

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