The Media Loves Your Album. Who Are You?
If Rolling Stone loves your album, it means...
• You are a well-established musician with legions of loyal fans who may be interested in perhaps taking out some full-page advertisements in, oh, say, some kind of mainstream rock publication.
• Your album was released 30 years ago and our critics at the time shit all over it. History, however, has chosen to remember your album as a classic, so we'll give it a second, glowing review in which we accuse the guy who reviewed it the first time of tragic short-sightedness so that we don't go down in history as the only assholes who didn't like Led Zeppelin III.
If Pitchfork loves your album, it means...
• They are going to fucking detest your second album, whether it's any good or not.
• Expect legions of new "fans" in tight, brightly colored clothes who go to your shows for the sole purpose of finding their friends and talking in a big circle while smoking outside.
• By this time next year, you will be forgotten completely.
If Entertainment Weekly loves your album, it means...
• Nothing. Entertainment Weekly loves everything.
If The Onion's A.V. Club loves your album, it means...
• You are younger than 25 and brand-new on the scene or older than 60 and never made it big.
• You must have had a ton of obscure literary/pop-culture references on the album. Keep it up.
• You now have the approval of people who think Pitchfork isn't elitist and snobby enough. So... enjoy that.