Adios "Age Of Aquarius": A Zodiac Realignment Playlist

Categories: Pop Life

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If Twitter is good for one thing, it's the immediate and rapid dispersal of breaking news. If Twitter is good for two things, it's that, plus the immediate and rapid dispersal of whatever trumped-up rumor, lie, or fakery that manages to draw the ire of the millions of poor saps reading along 140 characters at a time. Justin Bieber has "died" several dozen times on Twitter, as have Owen Wilson, Eddie Murphy, and of course Bieber's fellow legendary tween heartthrob, Nelson Mandela.

The latest moral panic (Twanic?) to seize Twitter's imagination was this business with the Zodiac. Apparently the Earth has shifted on its axis enough to cram a new Zodiac sign into the current pantheon, and to rearrange the inclusive dates of the other signs. Or something.

We'll admit, we barely understand Zodiac shit. So, the stars affect you somehow? Or the weird mythological creatures they represent? Like guardian angels or...? Anyway, a lot of people got upset because they thought they were now under the karmic purview of an entirely different set of space monsters than the ones they had grown up praying to. Right? That's how it works, right?

It turns out that all this stuff is old news, and people have known that the signs were going to adjust for a couple thousand years. It apparently doesn't matter because it's not the space monsters that decide your fate but instead is the alignment of the planets, or maybe the sun, and the new Zodiac might only apply to those born after 2009, or it might not, or the Lord is coming soon.

We have such a headache right now. Here are some songs for the new Zodiac. Or the old one. Or the... fringe Zodiac... or what... it's... thinkmeats hurt. Pain... pain.


ARIES

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69 Chambers, "Judas Goat": Aries is also known as "The Ram," and the characteristics of an Aries are that they're masculine, extroverts, and optimists. Except for when they aren't, of course. People born under this sign are also called "Arians," which explains why they tend to be somewhat homogenous and ready to march as one.


TAURUS

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Rage Against the Machine, "Bulls On Parade": According to myth, Taurus was a proud, stubborn bull who angered Zeus, who turned him into an affordable but not very dependable compact car. The RATM original is a classic, of course, but we've all heard the song and seen the video, so here's a guy beat-boxing it.


GEMINI

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Slayer, "Gemini": We couldn't find any videos of Maya Rudolph and Ana Gasteyer doing their fantastic Destiny's Child parody Gemini's Twin on Saturday Night Live, so here's some Slayer for that face of yours.



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3 comments
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Sam_turano
Sam_turano

u dip shit pisces is the fish not aquarius.. try and talk shit for the new zodiac but u dont even have ur facts staraight. Aquarius is a water carrier

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

Whoops! It's fixed. Thanks 4 ur input and 4 setting us staraight!

Blaze
Blaze

wheres the aqua one?

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