8-Bits Ain't Nothin' But Hos And Tricks

Categories: Digitalia

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Rocks Off got Donkey Kong Country Returns for Wii for Christmas. Big deal, right? We're willing to bet there are less than a thousand 29-year-old American males who didn't receive some kind of video game as a gift, but it's a big deal for us.

See, we actually kind of did grow out of video games like our parents always said we would. The only reason we even own a Wii is because The Brother With One F second-handed it to us once he settled into a long-term relationship with his XBox. That was two birthdays ago, and we've turned it on less than a dozen times before this Christmas brought us back into the gamers' world.

Why did we stop playing video games? We realize now it was because of Donkey Kong. Specifically, because of Pauline. Pauline was the lady Donkey abducted for vague monkey reasons only to be saved by Mario.... who gets exactly squat for it.

No matter, he just moves on the snatching royalty from the claws of Bowser and death. His reward? Still nothing? Hell, don't any of the old-school heroes get a trip to their lady's Warp Zone in return for battling zombie turtles and jumping around in a giant freakin' shoe?

Consider Link. At least Mario is a grown man with a sidekick brother. Link's just a kid, and he takes up sword and bomb bag in the name of Princess Zelda. Imagine Justin Bieber suiting up in armor to rescue the Obama twins from the clutches of Vladimir Putin. If the Biebs pulled that one off, by himself, I think we can all agree that the first words out of the president's mouth when he gets back better be, "So, which one you like better?"

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Turns out we're not alone in this revelation. Everyone, meet Patrick Donahue. Patrick, this is Everybody. Patrick does comedy on YouTube, dabbling in music videos. He was into that hip clarinet and marimba scene that so many kids got into, but switched to acting in college. He now uses music mostly for comedy's sake, such as his "Live Free or Twihard" rap song.

What we want to talk about today is his song "8-Bit Ho."

Mario is despondent, having once again come to the rescue only to be told that the princess has a headache, and an important meeting in the morning, blah blah blah. Back at his lonely and not at all super apartment, Megaman shows up to start the rave. Aside: Every rave we have ever seen has been set up by Megaman. That's normal, right?

The music video shows the various video-game vixens giving up their sweetness to the bad guys while Mario and Link lament and lay down some serious disses to their missuses. It's like Patrick can see right into the deepest angst of our souls!


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