Top Five Christmas Movies From Alternate Realities

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Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
Christmas in an alternate dimension has the potential to be significantly more badass.
If, as so many quantum physicists and dubious science-fiction shows suggest, there are infinite alternate dimensions, then of course that means there are infinite possibilities. There are infinite worlds on which you are a murderous pervert, infinite worlds on which you're the savior of all mankind, and infinite worlds in which you don't exist.

That also means there are infinite worlds in which these Christmas movies actually exist in the versions shown. Sorry, didn't mean to blow your mind too hard so close to Christmas. But just imagine the possibilities.

Cue dreamy music, wavy screen effects, then fade to...

Home Alone


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Directed by John Hughes, 2008. Rotten Tomatoes rating: 47%. Rated PG-13.

Before John Hughes tragically passed away last year, he made one final film, a remake of his own 1990 Macaulay Culkin vehicle Home Alone, this time with Hannah Montana wunderkind Miley Cyrus in the starring role as Kylie McCallister. The story progresses in much the same way: Miley's goofy parents Dina and Billy Ray leave her at home by herself in their gorgeous Outer Chicago estate.

At first thrilled to have some peace and quiet, Miley soon finds herself missing her family, especially when the paparazzi catch wind of the situation and start scratching at the windows, trying to get upskirt pictures with their telephoto lenses despite the fact that she's barely 16. Eventually, Miley learns self-sufficiency and independence when she rigs up a series of ingenious traps to assault and repel the paparazzi.

Since each Home Alone film has ratcheted up the severity of the traps, several of the paparazzi are actually killed, for which Miley is awarded a medal by the police commissioner. Her parents find the medal hanging on the fireplace next to her stocking when they return home and partake in a tearful reunion to the strains of a gorgeous John Williams strings arrangement, with vocals by Faith Hill and Miley herself.




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