The Lost Sinatra Group Christmas Episode
Through the magic of Christmas, Rocks Off has received a copy of the transcript of the "Sinatra Group" sketch that was filmed in an alternate reality last weekend, one in which Phil Hartman never died, and Saturday Night Live is currently in one of its funniest seasons to date.
What else could we do but share? This episode was guest-hosted by Will Ferrell, and featured special guests Mike Myers, Rob Schneider and Jan Hooks.
(Open on the familiar Sinatra Group set, as the key players chat amongst themselves; main title onscreen)
Announcer: The Sinatra Group, an unrehearsed discussion of current issues in the recording industry. And now, the moderator, Frank Sinatra!
Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman): Good evening and welcome to my show. As most of you already know, Christmas is coming up next week, so my producers thought it would be a good idea to do a Christmas show. And no, not a "winter" show or a "happy holidays" show, a friggin' Christmas show, because this is America, and we don't disrespect the savior here.
Steve Lawrence (Mike Myers): That's right, Frank!
Sinatra: I know. With me, as always, are these two disgusting sycophants, Steve and Eydie.
Eydie Gorme (Jan Hooks): Great to be here, Chairman!
Sinatra: Shut up. Some of you in the audience may notice that the broad looks different this time around. What can I say, the chick who used to play her went nuts.
Today I've got a studio full of musicians, lucky me, right? Anyway, I think all of these bozos have Christmas albums out, that's what they told me. Let's go around with the introductions since I got no idea who the hell any of you are. We'll start with you, what's your story, shiny?
Fred Schneider (Rob Schneider): HEY THERE FRANK! WHAT'S THE NEWS?/ I'VE GOT GLITTER ON MY CHRISTMAS SHOES!
Sinatra: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. You nearly put out my eyes with that jacket.
Schneider: I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN/ I'M JUST HERE FOR THE CHRISTMAS SCENE!
Sinatra: Not buyin' it, pal. You make Paul Lynde look like Steve McQueen. Quit starin' at me, you're makin' me uncomfortable.
Schneider: SORRY IF I BUG YOU OR GET IN YOUR HAIR/ I JUST CAN'T HELP MY BUG-EYED STARE!
Sinatra: Awright, let's just move on. You with the tits, you're next.
Jessica Simpson (Abby Elliott): You mean me?
Sinatra: No, I mean Deborah Kerr. Yes, you, blondie, let's go!
Simpson: Oh, I... I guess I'm here about my Christmas album? I don't really know, who are you again?
Sinatra: Who am I? You ditzy little twit, you don't ask who I am, I ask who you are!
Simpson (scared): Okay, who am I?
Sinatra (stares at her for a long moment): Awright, I'm sorry I blew up at you, sweetheart. I don't like to pick on the developmentally disabled.
Simpson: I developed a Christmas album!
Sinatra: Nice house, nobody home. Let's move on to you, with the star shades. You look familiar.