Ten Songs Worse Than A TSA Pat-Down
Today is the biggest travel day in the United States, according to the airlines. That means many of you will be experiencing for the first time the intrusive X-rays or demeaning pat-downs handed out by TSA as part of their new "You Assholes Don't Have to Fly, You Know" business strategy.
Keeping the skies terror-free is getting tougher and more intrusive as the years go by, and we can't help but imagine that in a few years we'll be lubing up for a full colonoscopy before we even make it to the baggage check.
Still, some of you freaks are into that kind of kink, so for you, here's a soundtrack to load up on your earbuds while they're gettin' all touchy-feely with you. Smartassed analysis of each song is provided, much like the in-depth analysis your nude topographic form will be receiving in the airport's employee break room.
10. Silk, "Freak Me"
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? No
Degree of Discomfort: 7
Have you ever actually tried to lick someone up and down? Not only is it salty and vaguely unpleasant, but afterwards they smell of your dried spit. It helps if we assume Silk are simply talking about oral sex, but they also mention busting out the whipped cream, which again is sexier in porn than it is in real life.
The fact of the matter is that in the time between applying the whipped cream and the time when you "make her body scream," it's going to get warm, then runny, then sticky. Silk are essentially threatening to make a gooey mess out of you, and not in a good way.
9. Billy Squier, "The Stroke"
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Yes
Degree of Discomfort: 4
Squier appears to be singing about not handjobs or masturbation, but about stroking someone's ego. However, even though it's not a sexual practice, you can still get some pretty serious douche chills from listening to a corporate suck-up kiss your ass.