The Lyrical Crimes Of Nickelback's Chad Kroeger

Photos by Craig Hlavaty

Nickelback at Toyota Center, April 2009

​Today is Chad Kroeger of Nickleback's birthday. Huzzah.

For years, Nickelback has been like those Nigerian bank scams; Dangerous, annoying and, frankly, not something anyone can do just a whole lot about. However, anti-Nickelback activist Tubby Chubcakes recently whipped us out of our complacency, and Rocks Off decided to see if our journalistic skills could be used to further the cause.

What we found when combing through Kroeger's own words was an admission of numerous crimes, crimes for which the rest of us would rot in jail. We present these dastardly deeds in hope that some police officer or G-Man out there will realize the dangerous criminal in our midst and incarcerate him.

Take "Animals," for instance. Sure, on the surface it's just another teenage rut song. Fine, except that Kroeger plainly admits that he encouraged the girl in the song to fellate him while driving. Reckless endangerment anyone? Public exposure?

​Sex while driving has been linked to several road fatalities. If just texting can be considered the equivalent of drunk driving, then Kroeger's actions should certainly be considered an endangerment to other motorists.

Or what about "Photograph?" It's supposed to be a nostalgic look at Kroeger's childhood. Well, he may see hijinks, but we see him admitting to breaking into state property half a dozen times. Considering "Animals," do we really want to consider the purposes Kroeger could have had for illegally entering a school? Surely he wasn't going to in finish banging the erasers.

What he was probably doing was banging women of questionable intelligence and sobriety while doing massive amounts of drugs! He brags about this in "Rock Star." In the song, Kroeger turns the wholesome goal of musical excellence shared by so many of our nation's youth and portrays it as an orgy of narcotics and orgies.

How can you live with yourself, Mr. Kroeger? You're making kid's dreams into a dirty thing.

We can't believe they let you anywhere near Spider-Man. You're worse than Doctor Octopus. Also, we hate your hair.

Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.