Staffing The Ultimate Evil Record Label

Categories: Music Bidness

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

- Attributed to Hunter S. Thompson


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The evil record label is a staple of the public's perception of the music industry. After hours digging through our brain's files on the music industry as represented in film, television and literature, the only positive example we could come up with was Jerrica Benton of the cartoon Jem.

The reality is sometimes better than fiction, sometimes worse, but either way it got us thinking about whom we would hire to run the most evil record label in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Team Douchebag Records.

Position: CEO
Swan from Phantom of the Paradise

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Pros: While Swan is a musician himself, his real skill is that of a master producer, able to turn any act into the perfect fit for whatever musical climate may be happening. His ability to tell what the next big movement in music will be is second to none. His influence over law enforcement screens his most debauched activities, and he can bring down any enemy with the greatest ease. Cold, calculating, he is the perfect choice to head the label.

Cons: Swan is immortal after a deal with a demon. He has to hide to keep his un-aging state a secret, and permits no pictures or videos. This can sometimes hamper his ability to serve as the public face of the label. He is also vulnerable to the destruction of the cursed videotape that ages in his place. If destroyed, Swan is destroyed as well.



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