Our Annual Hour In Sunny 99.1's Holiday Hell
The day before Thanksgiving, Sunny 99.1, "Houston's Official At-Work Station" did its yearly change-over to all holiday music. It's now a Houston tradition to turn over the dial at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving Eve to snort your first line of Burl Ives or Brenda Lee of the season, before you have even had a piece of turkey or a slice of ham.
Every year, it's best to do a whole hour of Christmas music just to flush out your system. It's like an enema for your brain, while also inoculating you for the next month of fa-la-la-la-la-fail to come. Flu shots be damned, I'll take Johnny Mathis and Amy Grant any day.
It's 1:15 p.m. Come on, DJ Robin Rock, let's have a clean fight. I just loaded up on cold meds, a tuna sandwich and some chicken soup. Let's do this.
1:17 p.m.: Aaron Neville, "The Christmas Song"
The majesty of this poor man's voice has been forever ruined by Family Guy.
The street that my desk faces has ZERO Christmas cheer, just sweaty people walking from the YMCA. No one caroling or throwing snowballs.
1:22 p.m.: Frank Sinatra & Cyndi Lauper, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Whoever put these together was high on coke, and I love it. Frank could sing the phone book and get you laid, while Lauper has never been not cute. Just now, that homeless guy that carries all the plastic bags walked by.
1:25 p.m., Vince Guaraldi, "Christmas Time Is Here"
There should be a slow snowdrift coming down on Milam, not sweat coming from this one guy's headband. Miss Rock chimes in to tell me to send in pics of my Christmas tree and lights outside my house. Lady, I don't know even my street address.
1:30 p.m.: Burl Ives, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Yes! Finally! I was getting worried that I wouldn't hear this the first ten minutes into this. I once had a dream and Burl Ives was narrating it. Too bad it was about me losing my virginity.
1:32 p.m.: Josh Groban, "Silver Bells"
Do you think Josh Groban has groupies? Like chicks lined up outside his hotel room, Stones '72-style?
Jesus, I just looked her up. His girlfriend is hot, like a miniature Christina Hendricks. Rock on, Grob-Man.
1:40 p.m.: Jose Feliciano, "Feliz Navidad"
You wanna know how cool I am? I already had "Feliciano" in my computer's memory. It already knew how to spell his name. It also knows who Boz Scaggs is.
Commercial break, yo. Traffic and weather. Apparently it would only take 15 minutes for me to run home right now to my hood. A little known tic of mine is that I love Sunny 99.1, without irony. Have you ever driven home half-asleep with Simply Red's "Holding Back the Years" softly bleating? It rules.
1:47 p.m.: Jessica Simpson, "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
I don't care what anyone says, Jessica will always be my boo even if she could eat me under the table. Sometimes I look at this picture and I know how it felt on November 22, 1963....
1:50 p.m.: Elmo & Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"
The poor woman died, you bastards. No one seems to care about an unsolved murder. "Reindeer"? Yeah, it's called insurance fraud. There's no talk of a funeral, so these backwoods pricks probably buried her in the garden. In a world where Santa Claus' reality is common knowledge, where is the accountability. I love Sudafed.
1:53 p.m.: Vanessa Williams, "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
That's gotta be Kenny G playing sax on this, right? I would know my buddy K-Dog anywhere. We had a moment back in April at Arena Theatre.
2:00 p.m.: Whitney Houston, "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
2:03 p.m.: The Beach Boys, "Frosty the Snowman"
What's funny is that Brian Wilson was built like Frosty by the late '60s and early '70s.
2:07 p.m.: John Lennon & The Plastic Ono Band, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"
2:11 p.m.: Johnny Mathis, We Need a Little Christmas"
We have almost a whole month left of this crap?