One Live Humpback Whale: Local Fantasy Tour Riders

​Everyone probably knows that top-selling bands like Van Halen routinely demand everything short of the moon and stars for their tour contract and rider, but specifically No Brown M&Ms. Some bands have a schedule for required nourishment, or in Rush's case, for booze. The "Weekly Booze Schedule" inserted into the Canadian trio's tour contract "requests" cases of Michelob, Molson Golden, Corona, Miller Genuine Draft and an "exotic beer" - and although Heineken may be considered 'exotic' by some, it is unacceptable to Rush in any situation.

Promoters were instructed to provide a specific bottle of liquor based on the day of the week. For example, if it was Wednesday...well you better have the Martell Cordon Bleu cognac handy. Food was also specific for Geddy Lee and Co., who have a thing for fresh whipped cream on their fruit presentations - again, specifically asking for the "exotic" variety of fruit - along with French pastries.

As many local bands have found out, there are very few French pastries to be had when you're crammed into a van that may or may not break down at any given moment. In the case of the Wild Moccasins' tour this past Spring, a turkey might even fly through the window. After you drive for hours across the never-ending fields of Indiana or the southern Alabama terrain, you're lucky to show up at a dingy dive where there's a scrap of toilet paper left on the roll in the bathroom or a few drink tickets for beer that tastes like animal piss.

But hey, we can dream, right? Rocks Off asked a few local acts what their riders would look like if they could order up anything. Good luck getting that humpback whale onstage, future Buxton promoters.

HENRY DARRAGH

Jazz Pianist, Vocalist, Trombonist, Composer

Backstage:

• Cases of iced cold of Topo Chico
• Iced coffee from Dirk's
• A string quartet to play for us in the Green Room; if they have transcribed Scriabin Sonatas and harmonized them for SQ that's a plus
• A moon walk and/or skeeball alley. If I had to choose between the two, it'd be skeeball.
• Justin Bieber (for my daughter... I mean since it's a wish list, I wish for her)

Onstage:

A Theramin

Hammond B3 (w/ Leslie)

TWO STAR SYMPHONY

Jerry Ochoa, violin

Backstage:

• fully stocked bar, emphasis on whiskey and tequila
• the skulls of our enemies, to drink from
• masseuse
• witch doctor
• dozen sexy slave men and women to carry us back and forth from the stage; feed us grapes
• couple of rubber fists
• a baby white tiger
• g13
• a Wii
• Paul the Psychic Octopus

Onstage:

For the stage show, we would like elephants, several gallons of blood, and lasers. Also, booty-dancers.