Five Ways We Have Screwed Over Other Bands

Categories: Pop Life

In order to not implicate Rocks Off's more moral brethren and sistren here, I'm gonna drop the royal we, m'kay? The evil machinations mentioned hereafter are the work of one man with one F, and are not endorsed by the Houston Press.

Ed. Note: We are real paragons of virtue over here, but we'll go with it. Why the hell not?

I'm a Slytherin by nature. I'm ambitious, ruthless, and I believe that it's not cheating if you don't get caught. Being in the music industry is a cutthroat deal, and a lot of the time you're going to have to think your way around the rules to get anywhere. While it would be unspeakably awesome if we all helped each other up - and please believe me, I tried that too - here are five ways to profit at the expense of others.

Maybe you can learn something.

1. Rigging the Count: This happened a lot a Fitzgerald's, and it should work at any club taking tallies of which bands people are coming to see in order to determine how much those bands get paid. While the rest of the band set up, drank or tried to convert lesbians into guitar-isexuals, I would station myself right at the ticket booth with a bucket of stickers, buttons or even promo CDs.

Most people showing up would say, "I'm here to see so-and-so and the whatchamacallits." Those people are fans, and Odin blesses every one of them.

Then there was a whole group of people who would say, "I'm here for everybody" or maybe, "I don't know, who's playing?" With those people I would spring into action, and offer them free stuff if they would say they were there for my band. Nine out of ten times it worked 100 percent of the time, and the effort was always evident in our payout at the end of the night.

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2. Show Up Early and Don't Play Last: If you're reading this article, you are not a headliner. Don't let anyone tell you that you are.

The ideal time to play at a club is around 11 or 11:30 p.m. The early birds are still energetic, the stragglers have finally gotten there, and most people have imbibed enough spirits to get loose, but not violent or broke. Not only does this make for a better show, it can ensure the maximum mojo-tastic mood for which to convince people to buy shirts and CDs.

When you're setting up your gig, always ask to go on at 11 p.m. If the promoter says it's not decided until the day of the show, make sure you're the first band to load in so you can claim the spot if at all possible. Playing last will just ensure that you'll get to watch the audience trickle out during your set without buying anything.

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