Cage Match: Werewolf Of London Vs. Purple People Eater

​Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while since we had a Cage Match. Our apologies, we couldn't find a band willing to take on Nickelback - really. Be that as it may, get yourselves ready for a special Halloween edition as two of the greatest monsters in song take on each other.

You gotta ask yourselves, who would win in a fight between Warren Zevon's "Werewolf of London" - for the sake of fairness, we're assuming singularity - and Sheb Wooley's "Purple People Eater"?

Cue the entrance music, this is the Cage Match!

Rocks Off: We're here in the ring for our Halloween Smackdown. First, dressed like James Dean with perfect hair, The Werewolf of London! Mr. Of London, tell us how you plan to punish the pancreas of the Purple People Eater?

Werewolf of London: Let me tell you something, With One F. The Werewolf is all kinds of awesomeness rolled up in a package sexy enough to make you ignore all those bestiality rules in Leviticus. First off, I was written by Warren Zevon, for God's sake! Mick Fleetwood and John McVie played on the song. What the hell else did Sheb Wooley ever do?

Second, have you heard these lyrics? I mutilate old ladies on the way to Chinese restaurants! I'm a psychopath and a sex symbol. No high-pitched novelty act is going to have a chance against me.

RO: Strong words, Mr. Of London. Mr. People Eater, what do you have to say in response?

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​Purple People Eater: Well, I want to get it right out that if Warren Zevon were starting out today he'd be just another Starbucks-drinking hipster. He was cool enough, but it's not like we're talking Dylan here. Sheb... well, he liked a good funny tune, but he was a man's man who acted in Westerns as well as wrote songs. He was on Rawhide! Did you know that? He was in The Outlaw Josey Wales with Eastwood!

But the thing I really want to lay on The Werewolf is this. Despite popular misconception laid down by a crap manager, you'll notice I am not actually purple. That's because I'm not a People Eater who's colored purple, I am a PURPLE PEOPLE EATER!

Now you may say to yourself, "But there aren't any purple people." Exactly! They're gone. Annihilated! Hell, I even ate all the half-breed purple children from the interracial marriages.

Even the ones who were only sort of aubergine.

The Werewolf might like to keep in mind that I am a cyclopic, air-born, living genocide with a raging inferiority complex over my failed music career and squeaky voice. If he forgets, he's getting this horn right up his...

RO: I think we get the picture, Mr. People Eater.

Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.