FAIL: Morrissey, Scott Weiland, Whitesnake, Conspiracy Theorists

By John Seaborn Gray Fri., Sep. 10 2010 at 5:30 PM

Morrissey Loves Animals So Much It Makes Him Racist: Morrissey has been one of the biggest ambiguously snarky pussies in all of rock music for some years now, popular among 15-year-old bisexuals of all races and creeds.

Sometimes, however, the former Smiths frontman likes to make a straightforward statement filled with such insanity, it gets picked up and repeated by multiple news outlets and winds up carrying enough attention-grabbing power to, oh, we don't know, promote an album or something. The most recent example of this is his comments to The Guardian, a UK newspaper that took time out from following Liam Gallagher and Amy Winehouse around to interview the pompadoured 51-year-old.

Regarding China's record of animal rights, Morrissey said "Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies." Hey hey! That's kind of a logical leap there, Morrissey. We were in full agreement with you right up to just after the word "horrific."

Fails loves our pets as much as anyone else, but you're not going to catch us blaming a culture's apparent disregard for animal rights as evidence of genetic inferiority. It doesn't make any sense. The rights of animals are the last thing Chinese people need to worry about from day to day, first and foremost of course being "Have I done, said, or looked at anything today that would make my terrifying ghost government kidnap and execute me?"

When all of your mental and emotional capacity is constantly being exerted trying to avoid becoming a human rights statistic, it's reasonable to assume you may not have the capability to then worry about how your food is prepared. So don't be racist, Morrissey. The Chinese are simply victims of their government just like the rest of us... only more so.

Scott Weiland to Butcher Christmas, As So Many Hacks Before Him: It's no secret that the annual celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ has inspired all manner of hacks within the music industry to release deplorable mutilations of Christmas music in the past, and now the biggest hack of them all will be carving up some Yuletide tunes for us to cringe at. Scott Weiland, whom revisionist rock historians have somehow painted as something other than a talentless rip-off artist, has decided to release an album of Christmas music.

In the immortal words of Norm MacDonald: "Happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!"

We're sure the album will contain a song where Weiland sings just like Bing Crosby, and then a song where he sings just like Nat King Cole, and then a song where he sings just like Elvis, and so on for ten to fifteen excruciating tracks. Weiland truly is the Frank Caliendo of rock singers.

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Stephengripweed

fuck you are an idiot for printing this narrow minded article

John S. Gray

And I hope you go to a protest in China and get "disappeared" by government agents, you smug prick. There's a reason people don't complain in China, you ignorant fool.

mike

you are a dipshit. i was pretty stoked on this until i read what you said about china. animals are living creatures that dont deserve to be treated badly. some one should treat you the way they treat animals in china and maybe you will understand

Early Cuyler

J.S. Gray- How can you cast aspersions on Scott? That man bared his soul concerning his heroin addiction. Like no one before... Oh, wait a minute... Oh yeah, just like 85% of all the grunge bands and early-to-mid nineties bands. Nevermind.

Travis

I like Scott Weiland but I agree with most of what you said.

Maria

um- most Christmas records do suck, but don't judge until you've heard it. After all lets give STP, and Scott a little bit of credit for those catchy tunes they put out.So- I won't wish what the previous person said about having to listen to it non-stop, but who knows, maybe you'll like it...one never knows, weirder things could happen. Like the Chinese coming for you in the middle of the night and feeding you to the dogs- and then eating you.Ah- the circle of life!

SilvergunCL

Wow. Sounds like you have a personal vendetta against Scott Weiland. Dude, just because you have a written voice, does not a star make. Many an STP and Scott Weiland fan will be listening to his cd throughout the Christmas season. My Christmas wish is that someone will play the Scott Weiland cd into your cubicle non-stop during the holiday season. Merry Christmas!!!!