FAIL: Wyclef Jean, Richard Ashcroft, Mark Wahlberg, iTunes

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Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
Wyclef Jean's Latest Vanity Project: President of Haiti: Wyclef Jean is best known for being the member of the Fugees who quite improbably enjoyed the most solo success. We would have bet on Lauryn Hill, but unfortunately, she went crazy.

Crazy may be contagious among ex-Fugees, because now Jean wants to be the leader of his troubled Caribbean homeland Haiti. Jean is already looking like he'll fit right in with Haiti's previous leadership, since he's currently being investigated for large-scale charity fraud. Even Sean Penn, who ordinarily goes along with his fellow liberals regardless of how crazy they are, seems to think Wyclef is a douchebag.

That's a bad sign. With any luck, another hurricane will smash into Haiti and give Wyclef the leverage he needs to steal enough money to win the vote.

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Richard Ashcroft Throws Hissy Fit at Festival: Remember The Verve? They had that song "Bittersweet Symphony" that was absolutely inescapable in the fall of 1997? Come on, it followed Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" all the time. Well, lead singer Richard Ashcroft is now solo, and at something called the "Splendour in the Grass Festival" - sweet Jesus, do organizers intentionally struggle to give their festivals the most irritating names possible? - he threw his maracas and tambourine to the ground and stormed offstage.

Why? Well, the festival had booked him to play at the same time as the Pixies and someone called Empire of the Sun, both of whom are evidently far bigger draws than Ashcroft. So when he saw the size of the audience, he performed one song and then called it quits.

We can't say we entirely blame him. Booking all your headliners to play simultaneously is pretty stupid. Not as stupid as, say, failing to totally secure the rights to a sample before you use it in what will go on to become your biggest hit, but still pretty stupid.

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