FAIL: Lady Gaga, Spain

Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray

​Oh No, Not Lady Gaga, Too: Get ready, kids. We've got some truly shocking, devastating news for you. Are you sitting down? Okay, good, now listen closely. Lady Gaga - the whacked-out pop singer you've been listening to for the past couple of years - has, on occasion, experimented with illicit drugs.

We know. We couldn't believe it either, but she admitted it herself. Apparently, Gaga has derived some amount of inspiration in the past from her experiences with drugs, but doesn't credit them for the majority of her creative output. We believe her. There's no way the same simple, sweet, girl-next-door-who-wears-full-body-latex-outfits-that-make-her-look-like-a-giant-alien-stalk-of-broccoli, who creates homespun dance numbers which refer to the penis as a "disco stick," is on drugs all the time.

So it's okay, Lady Gaga, we forgive you your limited indiscretions. But let's do leave the drugs in the past and try to get back to normal, okay? Or, you know... whatever passes for normal for you.

​What the Hell is Spain's Goddamn Problem?: Fails loves Spain. It's a gorgeous country and people put their careers second after going out at night and partying their asses off, which is exactly as it should be. We were thrilled when they won the World Cup. But we feel we must ask: what's your problem, Spain? What are you thinking?

Shakira is well-known for being chiefly responsible for more instinctual reactions of pure animal lust than all the pheromones in the world. So when she decides to film a video where she dances around in a fountain belonging to your city, you let her, right? Oh my God, Miss Shakira, can we get you anything? Some sunscreen, maybe? Want a beer? We will buy you all of the beers, Shakira.

But when Shakira decided to dance in Barcelona's "historic" Pla de Palau fountain, Spain slapped her with a fine. How historic can it be, though, if we're calling it off-limits to what may be the planet's hottest woman? We ask again: what the hell, Spain? Who does that? Who the Christ can find it in their cold, black hearts to set their eyes upon a soaking wet Shakira and think "She's gonna pay for this"?

We'd expect this kind of thing from the stuffy English, Spain. Or maybe even our own Bible Belt suburbanites too stricken with heart valve blockage to risk the spike in blood pressure that would come with such wanton titillation. But not you. We expected better from the Iberian Peninsula. We're very disappointed.

Win of the Week: Jim Jarmusch is doing an Iggy Pop documentary that should be all kinds of badass.