FAIL: Katy Perry, DMX, Weezer

Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray

​Katy Perry Finds Musicianship Depressing: Katy Perry, primarily known for her amazingly sexy body and, oh, probably some other stuff too, was interviewed recently about her time with an independent record label early in her career.

"That was the most depressing moment of my hustle. I was sitting there in a cubicle, with 25 other trying-to-make-some-failed-artists in a box listening to the worst music you've ever heard in your entire life," complained the pop star. She then went on to grouse about how hard it was to scrape money together, get vehicles repossessed, and attempt to generate hope for her fellow artists.

So basically, the struggle that makes most real indie musicians so gripping was a real drag for Perry, who couldn't wait to parlay her shallow, insipid pop trash (and stellar boobs) into superstardom and leave behind all the bullshit like "struggling" and "working" and "creating."

With motivations like that, is it any wonder our biggest stars are constantly revealed to be repugnant assholes?

​Hire a Goddamn Driver, DMX: DMX was released from jail after serving 18 days of a 90-day sentence for a 2002 reckless driving conviction, and was instantly pulled over again by the cops.

This is LAPD we're talking about, so did they just follow him from the jail and wait for him to screw up? Apparently, the rapper/actor was pulled over for a minor traffic offense and was not carrying a valid driver's license.

DMX. Seriously. We know that in some cases it helps your gangsta rep to get into trouble with the cops, but nobody's impressed by traffic violations. Please get all your shit together before you head back out on the road.

If you're going to get arrested again, make it for something that counts. Beat the shit out of Ryan Seacrest or something. In the meantime, hire someone to drive you around. You can afford it.

​Weezer Still Trying As Hard As They Can To Suck: Didn't Weezer just have an album come out? Okay, after looking it up, it's been about a year. But is their new material really of such urgency that they can't take a few extra months and maybe concentrate on writing something that isn't terrible?

Weezer has established a sort of contest with themselves to see if they can make each album cover and title more asinine than the last, and they've really outdone themselves with this one. The album is called "Hurley." The album cover is a picture of Jorge Garcia, who played Hugo "Hurley" Reyes on Lost.

You know, the show that went off the air back in May.

Will anyone remember Garcia's loveable, pop-culture-obsessed buffoon in ten years? Probably about as many people as remember the Lone Gunmen, which will be far more people than will remember anything on what will surely be another shitty album of disposable, throwaway nerd-pop. Get it together, Weezer, for Christ's sake.

Win of the Week: Amy Winehouse! Oh, that constantly careening train wreck, what did she do now? Oh... she made some homemade chicken soup for her sick dad and brought it to him.

Awww.