When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: Pop Princess Edition
Dave Chapelle teaches us that the art of "keeping it real" may sometimes go awry. According to urbandictionary.com, this occurs when "in the act of keeping it real, the outcome is unexpected and usually has a negative effect on the individual who decided to keep it real." Pop princesses are not immune from this phenomena.
MB Pictures/ Rex Features
1. Britney Spears, "I Heart Parasites": We could write an entire encyclopedia set-worth of B.Spears train-wreckery. From her head-shaving, to her car-crashing, to her Kevin-Federlining, she is a well of cringe-worthy blogging material.
We're probably most grossed-out by that infamous 2004 photo taken of Britney exiting a public gas station restroom barefoot. Why do folks in the South find going shoeless in public an acceptable practice? We shuddered seeing festival-goers walking around in the grass or mud barefoot at Summerfest.
Perhaps we're just germophobes, but Rocks Off took a course on Immunology in college. Are you aware of the kinds of creepy-crawlies that could be sharing your lunch with you tomorrow because you decided to kick your shoes off? Meet the hookworm.
Cute, aren't they? These guys typically enter the human body through bare feet and live in their host's small intestine, sucking blood from the intestinal wall and often causing an iron deficiency. Then again, on second thought, what's a few more parasites added to the ecosystem of infectious fauna and flora that is Britney Spears?
2. Vanessa Hudgens, "Raisins Exposed": In 2007, Disney Channel and High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens made even our high-school strumpets blush. Hudgens, who was only 17 and not yet a household Disney name, took nude photos of herself and sent them as an email attachment to Nickelodeon's Josh and Drake star Drake Bell so that he'd go out on a date with her.
And then in 2009, more nude photos, possibly taken when she was even younger than 17, surfaced. Wow, Vanessa. Now Rocks Off isn't exactly Mother Theresa, but back in our day, if we wanted to kick it with some dude, we'd just ask. Novel concept, eh? Girls in our high-school days of yore didn't go around sending email attachments with images of their exposed goodies for the whole World Wide Web to see. Call us old fashioned.
3. Fergie, "One Old-Ass Princess": Is there such thing as a 35-year old princess? We didn't think so. But that's not what Fergie, who's more Joan Rivers than Lindsay Lohan in our estimation, would have us believe. Her incontinence at a 2005 San Diego show ain't fooling us, though. Peeing yourself is when keeping it really old just got really real.
Fergie chalked the urine stains up to "being buzzed" and not having time to use the restroom prior to the show. "I had a few drinks before going onstage," she said. "But I didn't think to go to the bathroom. We were jumping around and my bladder just started... you know." Whoa there, Golden Girl. TMI.
Her reps subsequently released statements saying that the pee stain was merely sweat. We ask: who the hell sweats primarily in the crotchal region? We know we don't, even after an hour on the elliptical.
What we loved most about the whole scenario was that Fergie just kept on dancing in spite of the unexpected showers of gold. We almost wish we'd been there to strategically place slip-hazard orange cones onstage for her backup dancers.