Lady Gaga's Imaginary Penis: Music's Best Sex Urban Legend Ever?
Well, milady has come and gone, leaving in her wake a trail of Christ's blood and broken hearts. And a lot of people who couldn't get into the show having to make do with Kesha. Rocks Off was not among the anointed allowed to cover the concert, and we couldn't buy our way in because of that whole rent thing that is so popular today. Nonetheless, we've enjoyed watching Gaga from afar.
One of the things we love about Gaga is that she is the first superstar in a while to have a really great urban sex legend told about her. The story goes that Gaga has a vestigial or perhaps full functioning penis. Not just in a glass jar or something, but actually attached to that bluffin' muffin of hers. Evidence of this was an upskirt photo of her onstage with a supposed bulge in her drawers.
The thing that made this story so wonderful as a legend is that it could be true. One percent of live births results in ambiguous genitalia, and movements are on the rise against doctors performing corrective surgery on infants. So the possibility certainly exists. It's not true, though.
Gaga refused to comment publicly on the rumor for a while - she's no idiot when it comes to good marketing - but said point blank in an interview with Barbara Walters that the story was false. Since no one who has had a first hand look at milady without her clothes on has come forward to substantiate the claim, we can pretty much chalk this up to a possible, but ultimately empty urban legend.
But how does this stack up against the rock and roll's naughtier faux tales of old?
Marilyn Manson Has Ribs Removed To Enable Auto-Fellatio: If there is anyone Gaga's public style can be compared to, it's Marilyn Manson. No story was too out there to be disbelieved. He was an alleged puppy murderer, former child star, shunned Bible-camp youth - you name it. But the best story was that he had his two bottom ribs removed in order to do what God made groupies for.
Gaga wins this round for two reasons. One, it's an old story that was once told about Cher - though in her case the reason was to look thinner - and before that was attributed to Victorian women trying to fit into tiny corsets. Considering the fatality rate for amputation surgery in Victorian times, we can pretty much rule out any halfway intelligent person deciding against elective surgery. Two, we have all seen Brian Warner without a shirt. He's not sporting any scars.
One more reason, if you had to choose between blowing yourself or having Rose McGowan, Dita Von Teese or Evan Rachel Wood do it for you, which one would you choose? Utterly unbelievable. Gaga wins.