Eminem: 6 Ways He Can Still Screw Up His Comeback

Categories: Lists

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Marshall Mathers III has certainly enjoyed great success, but it hasn't been easy for the guy. He's had difficulty overcoming addiction and depression, and like many of us, he keeps returning to that one bad relationship over and over again. His latest album, Recovery, has brought him back into the forefront of the hip-hop stage, landing him critical praise and chart success his last few albums lacked.

Since his career trajectory seems to be on the upswing again, Rocks Off took the time to figure out ways Slim Shady could screw things up for himself, in hopes that he will heed our cautionary advice. Don't thank us; vaguely condescending meddling is its own reward.

1. Get Back With Kim: Eminem's relationship with high-school sweetheart Kim Scott has been "rocky," in the same way Courtney Love's career has been "erratic": both words are woefully inadequate to describe the exact nature of the situations they apply to. Married, then divorced, then married again, then divorced again, the couple wound up in court when Kim sued Eminem for slander.

In Kim's defense, Shady did write an awful lot of songs about killing her. Clearly, this is one of those couples where both parties feed into one anothers' bad habits and personality flaws, and reuniting would once again find Eminem losing control.

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2. Make an 8 Mile Sequel: Yes, 8 Mile turned out to be a pretty decent flick. The temptation to make a sequel, however, should be avoided. Sequels tend to get hijacked by the movie studios and then ruined by the method of attempting to throw in everything that audiences want regardless of whether or not it makes sense to do so.

Director Curtis Hanson would be fired and replaced by a studio-friendly hack like Michael Bay, Brett Ratner or McG. Brittany Murphy, having sadly passed away, would have her character replaced by Megan Fox's AfroDite, a sexy, sassy female rapper who starts out competing against Eminem but soon realizes she has feelings for him.

Round out the cast with Shia LeBouf as Shady's wisecracking sidekick, Miley Cyrus as Eminem's little sister (who has a crush on LeBouf's character), throw in a shootout that turns into a car chase and have the climactic rap battle take place aboard an attack helicopter during a bank heist, and you've got yourself a bungled disaster in true Hollywood clusterfuck tradition.

3. Get Back on Painkillers: People underestimate the poisonous nature of addiction. Not only could Eminem screw up his comeback by relapsing into his recreational pill-popping habit, he could become addicted again for valid medical reasons, like he did when he got hooked on sleeping pills trying to fight insomnia.

Marshall had better be extra-careful when he's onstage, because one slip, one broken toe or fractured tibia, and he'll be facing the choice of possibly becoming addicted to painkillers again, or healing up with no medication at all. He'd better take care of his teeth, too; imagine needing a root canal yet being afraid that you'll become addicted to whatever the doctor gives you to kill the pain.

Is it even legal to give someone a root canal without anesthetic? We hope not.


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