Happy Father's Day! Loser Kids of Rock Star Dads
We all aspire to honor our dads and hope that we've done right by them on Father's Day. Here's a list of offspring whose lives have served no useful purpose on earth other than churning out a never-ending source of disappointment for their rock star dads.
Yoko Ono is often credited for single-handedly bringing about the downfall of the greatest rock band of all time, and Sean Lennon came out of her vagina. It was almost destined that nothing good was ever to come of his existence.
But maybe we give Sean a harder time than we should. It must blow to live in the shadow of John Lennon: one of music's greatest songwriters, a rock icon and arguably the voice of a generation. At first glance, we would think that Sean would have had the good fortune to share in some of his dad's righteous genes. But on second thought, we realize that his mom makes music that sounds a lot like a wheelbarrow of kittens doused in kerosene getting hit by an 18-wheeler going 70 miles per hour.
If we were Sean we would have had the good sense never to pick up a guitar in the first place to avoid comparison to his dad all together. Never fear, Sean. It's not too late to take up painting.
The last time we went to Sea World was when we were five. We got to relive the experience of seeing whale choreography again when we saw Kelly Osborne on Dancing With the Stars last year. Ozzy must have been so proud to see you flopping about like a beached whale in a tutu on national television.
Ozzy, how did this happen? You and Sharon are beyond rad. And apart from you and Keith Richards, few people have lived the rock star lifestyle harder and long enough to talk about it. How did the Prince of Darkness go from biting the heads off bats and snorting ants to birthing whiny, talentless, self-involved blobs who leach off your fame and notoriety? Kelly, may we suggest Jenny Craig and a college education.