FAIL: The Entire City Of Seattle, Bachman Of BTO, The Scissor Sisters

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Seattle Knows How Great Music Is Made

Three years after it was originally dreamed up, the Seattle Music Commission convened for the first time on Monday, featuring representatives from such musical mainstays as Starbucks, Amazon and Microsoft. There are also several record label reps on the SMC, and even a musician! Okay, so it's one of the guys from Presidents of the United States of America, but at least they let someone who actually writes and performs music on board. We can't wait to see what creative, intriguing musical concepts come from this supergroup of corporate titans and label shills.

The SMC's purported mission is "to support, promote, expand and encourage Seattle's vibrant culture of music," and here are some rumored first steps they're taking on that road:Flannel prices will be artificially boosted to create the illusion of relevance among the trendy and hopefully lead to an actual sales spike. No word on second-hand Doc Martens, but hope remains high.

  • Albums will no longer be sold in the Single Play, Extended Play, or Long Play formats; they will instead be sold as Venti, Tall, or Grande.
  • As a tribute to Seattle's trademark sound, all SMC meetings will start out really quiet, then get really loud, then get quiet again, then loud again, with intense feedback and distortion throughout.
  • An annual music festival will be held to raise funds, 3% of which will go towards various Seattle Music Commission public projects designed to bolster musicianship within the community and aid starving artists. The remainder of the profits will go to the record label executives.
  • As can be expected, there have been a few growing pains. Regarding the initiative to build a 200-foot marble statue of Kurt Cobain at the city limits, a deadlock was experienced between those who wished to soften the troubled grunge messiah's image, and those who wished to retain the integrity of his downcast demeanor. This resulted in an admittedly dubious compromise: the statue will portray a smiling Cobain shooting heroin into an adorable tabby kitten.

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    Takin' Care of... Oh God, No

    Tim Bachman, founding guitarist of the Bachman Turner Overdrive, has been charged with sexually assaulting an underage girl. The assaults have apparently gone on since the girl was 11 years old and continued until she was 14. Christ, that's horrible. Fails understands that this hasn't been to trial yet, but Bachman is Canadian and the case will be tried in Canadian court, where fortunately "innocent until proven guilty" does not apply.

    The only available pleas in Canadian court are "I respectfully disagree" and "Awfully sorry, Your Honor." If found awfully sorry, Bachman could serve up to 20 years in Canada's most despised and pitiable public service position: goalie for the Edmonton Oilers. Look, folks, it was either jokes about Canada or no jokes at all, okay? We're not going to poke fun at a potential molestation victim, unless that victim is the music of Trent Reznor.

    Scissor Sisters Wish to Unspeakably Molest Nine Inch Nails Song

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    Remember the Scissor Sisters? No? You lucky bastard. Well, they made a list of Fails' all-time worst cover songs some time ago for their dehumanizing, Massad-like torture of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb." Now it looks like they want to go two-for-two on covers that make us want to gently hold the original song in our arms as it softly cries, because the Sisters have been bandying about the idea of recording Nine Inch Nails' "Piggy" as a honky-tonk song.

    Is this one of those ironic "we'll make it so bad it'll be awesome" things that sometimes sails right over our heads, or are these assholes serious? A honky-tonk version of "Piggy" is such a bad idea it should have come from George Lucas. The original song is a slow build from ominous chant-like vocals to massive, booming percussion and electronic buzzing.

    Never mind the instrumentation, the song's basic structure just doesn't fit the traditional verse-chorus-verse honky-tonk format at all. You'd have to completely change either the song or the genre of honky-tonk to make this a reality, and sometime in the middle of enacting those changes, we hope it would occur to most people "Hey, this isn't a fit. How about I just do an original goddamn honky-tonk song?" It remains to be seen if better judgment will win out over the Scissor Sisters. Based on what we know of them, we're not optimistic.

    Win of the Week: Remember last week's WotW about Jack White and Conan' O'Brien's collaboration? Well, those of us who weren't fortunate enough to be in Nashville at the time can now pre-order a recording.

    We love you, technology.


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