FAIL: Enrique Iglesias, Outkast and Chris Brown...Always Chris Brown

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Enrique Iglesias' New Video, "Douche-O-Rama"
Okay, so it's actually called "I Like It", but trust us, our title is by far the more accurate one. Not only does it star popular Latino heart-throb and alpha-douche Enrique Iglesias, but it features two of the most irritating things in popular culture right now: unnecessary Auto-tune and the cast of "Jersey Shore". The proud Italian caricatures spend the first half of the video trying to sneak into Iglesias' show, unable to simply pay for tickets because they've spent all their money on spray-tan, Bump-It™s, and abortions, finally succeeding in gaining entry around the halfway point through a series of not at all clever or humorous shenanigans. Coincidentally, Fails was only able to make it halfway through the video before we had to mute the volume and put on other music before we started self-cutting. The plan backfired, though; instead of making the video more tolerable, it just made us like Queens of the Stone Age a little less. God help us all if this video becomes a hit. It makes the Black Eyed Peas look like the Beatles. Okay, maybe not, but it sucks.

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England to Chris Brown: "You Won't Get to Start a Row With Our Birds, You Piddling Nonce"

Chris Brown has been denied entry into England, and was forced to postpone several tour dates within the country. English officials didn't comment specifically on Brown's case, but clearly they don't want the Rihanna-punching prick inside their country. We sympathize, but maybe the Brits have forgotten that once he's inside their country, he'll officially be out of ours. Come on, guys, we thought we were friends. Don't we deserve a break? Just take him for a little while, okay? As a trade, we're willing to accept Robbie Williams for a brief tour, but if he plays more than five dates, we expect compensation by way of an extensive Gallows tour.

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Andre 3000 Can't Appear On Big Boi's Album, Which Supposedly Has Nothing To Do With the Terrible Cover Art

Wow. Look at that cover art. Looks like a funk compilation album you'd see on an infomercial at 3 in the morning being hawked by the bass player from Wild Cherry, which claims to contain "all the classic hits" yet the only artist on it you've ever heard of is Rick James, and the song itself is a b-side from a single that was only sold in Japan. Big Boi has had about 3 years to come up with something for the cover art and that was what he went with? That makes about as much sense as calling it Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty. Still, it's Big Boi, so it'll be worth a listen, never mind the fact that you'll also hear T.I., Jamie Foxx, Janelle Monáe, and Sleepy Brown on the album. Unfortunately, you won't be hearing from the other half of Outkast. For whatever reason, Big Boi moved his solo album from the Jive label to Def Jam, and since Jive, like most record companies, is chock full of spiteful assholes, they won't allow Andre 3000's tracks to be released on Big Boi's album. Both Outkast members seem upset at this, and we can't blame them. Fails' recommendation: hang on to those tracks, record six or seven more, and release a new Outkast album on Def Jam. That'll show 'em.

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Fox News Valiantly Defends Former President from Former Beatle's Verbal Assault

Take a look at this fine example of the yellowest of journalism over on Fox News' website and just try to keep your lunch down. To sum up the story, Paul McCartney lobbed a veiled jibe towards ex-President Bush during his acceptance speech for the Gershwin Award, and wound up pissing off several Republicans, who are tired of being reminded of what a miserable failure their golden shining knight turned out to be. Surprise, surprise: fair and balanced Fox News only got the reactions from the Republicans who got upset, and neglected to get a single sound bite from any Democrats who thought it was great, or for that matter, from any Republicans who can actually take a joke, or from any Libertarians who just didn't give a shit one way or the other. That's all pretty standard for the neo-con propaganda machine, but to add insult to blantantly omissive "journalism", the article is filled with vile McCartney / Beatles puns sure to send an icy douche chill straight up your spine. Disappointed that the article doesn't take this opportunity to somehow trash Obama? Not to worry; the comments section more than made up for that. Apparently Obama was supposed to stick up for Dubya because of the code of honor between presidents, which makes sense when you remember all those times Dubya stuck up for Clinton. We really shouldn't be surprised, though: Fox News posts crap like this eight days a week. Damn! Now they've got us doing it!

Win of the Week: Jack White joined Conan O'Brien for a jam session at his Nashville HQ, Third Man Records. Oh, to have been in Nashville.



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