FAIL: Nashville Weather, Liam Gallagher, Meat Loaf, Warrant's Jani Lane

If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.

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Don't Buy Any Used Instruments on Nashville's Craigslist For a While: Here at Fails of the Week, it's kind of nice when we get a Fail that we can't blame on a human being. Nope, this one is God's fault. As you probably already know, Tennessee is experiencing record rainfall this week, which in turn is causing record flooding, which in turn is ruining every musical instrument that was stored on the ground floor. Raul Malo laments the destruction here, and aw, damn. We hope that 1952 Gibson Les Paul is okay. Look at that. That is a beautiful guitar. We're sorry, this whole tragedy didn't really have a face until now. We'll take a second to pull ourselves together.

Okay. Evidently the mainstream media did such a poor job covering the flood, Ben Folds felt moved to grab his phone and go take some rather distressing photography, especially to anyone who's lived through one of Houston's many floods. We notice Pat Robertson and his other God-fearing brethren haven't yet blamed this disaster on lesbians and atheists like they did Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. So what's the deal then, guys? God just wake up grumpy or something? Or does the fact that Toby Keith continues to release albums instill in Him a righteous rage so that no building that ever contained the charmless truck-shilling dick would remain unsmited?

Clearly it's that last one. Doesn't feel so good when people interpret unfortunate disasters as evidence that God supports their own personal agendas, does it? Seriously, our hearts go out to those affected in Nashville, and we hope the recovery goes quickly and efficiently.

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Liam Gallagher: The Yoko Ono of Biopics: Liam Gallagher of Oasis has said he wants to produce a biopic on the Beatles, and so far it's all talk, but we're already getting sad. It's going to be about their last couple of years as a band, depicting the internal strife that eventually tore them apart, with the part of Yoko Ono to be played by an actor who looks suspiciously like Noel Gallagher. Why can't Liam just leave the Beatles alone?

It's bad enough he has to constantly mention them in interviews, desperate to be associated with them in any way, but now he's going to be partially responsible for a depiction of their actual lives. And the worst part is no one can talk him out of it, because Liam hates everybody, especially anybody who isn't a millionaire and doesn't own a slew of French-cuffed turtlenecks from his terrible collection of shitty clothes for pretentious douchebags of the late '60s. Somebody please stop this.


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