It must be that time of year again. Seniors are suffering from GTFO Syndrome, and their loved ones are bracing themselves for several hours of obligatory, coma-inducing celebrations of learning known as "commencement." Yes, it's graduation season. Yet it could be worse. Surprisingly enough, there are actually a few songs that we would gladly pass over for "Pomp and Circumstance."
1. R. Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly":
What was once a song that conjured up images of Michael Jordan hooping in outer space with Bugs Bunny is now a song about pee in our minds. More specifically, pee on our children. Dave Chappelle's "I Wanna Piss on You"
Remix and The Boondocks
' "Trial of R. Kelly"
episode only sealed the deal for us. Rocks Off thinks we can all agree that R. Kelly should keep his golden showers as far away from our children as possible.
2. Diana Ross, "I'm Coming Out":
Believe it or not, this song actually made a handful of top graduation-song lists on the Interwebs. It's a head-scratcher, we know. But we probably don't want a room full of graduates - much less their parents - questioning their sexuality on graduation day.
3. Black Eyed Peas, "I've Gotta Feeling":
If you play this song backwards, you will hear the words: "Baby-punching is fun. Baby-punching is good. You know you want to punch a baby" repeated throughout the track. True story. And you wondered why this song aroused an incomprehensible rage from deep within you. Now you know. While we're at it, how exactly did BEP go from a once-influential underground hip-hop act to tap-dancing baby-punchers fronted by a singing Barbie doll who pees herself
? We haven't quite figured that one out yet. Did R. Kelly sing at Fergie's high school graduation?
4. Vitamin C, "Graduation (Friends Forever)":
Vitamin C has a lot in common with Michael Myers. Even with a one-hit-wonder to her name and a radioactive mop atop her pale little head, she just won't die. We meet her year after year at every graduation. But fortunately for us, other than at commencement ceremonies, babies aren't likely to get punched due to Vitamin C's suck factor. Much like a pirate suffering from scurvy, her career could have used a little... Vitamin C. *ba dum pish*
5. Josh Groban, "You Raise Me Up":
Middle-aged women's panties are to Josh Groban as white is to rice. You know it's true. Your graduation is probably not the day you want most cougars in the audience - perhaps your mom - dropping their drawers. Just sayin'.
6. Alanis Morisette, "You Learn":
In celebration of the culmination of your educational career, you have a someone who should have paid more attention in English class singing your graduation theme song? Now that's irony, Alanis. Don't cha think?