Last week, we told you of some upcoming summer-movie soundtracks that look like they're going to be fantastic
. If positivity is your thing, go read that article. This one is going to be all about the upcoming soundtracks that make us wince so hard it feels like someone's chopping our balls with an axe made of dry ice.
Sex and the City 2: Sex Harder
We're going to ease you in as slowly as we can on this one, but there's still no guarantee you won't coat your monitor and keyboard in shame vomit before we've finished. First, half of the soundtrack appears to be made up of female artists who excel in saccharine, sentimental empowerment ballads such as Jennifer Hudson, Dido, Alicia Keys, Erykah Badu and a couple of others. We accepted ahead of time that this soundtrack probably wasn't going to heavily feature Rancid, but we can't get some Metric? Some Gossip? Maybe even some Warpaint? No? Oh well.
Even still, we might be more understanding if the soundtrack went on to get better from there instead of worse. There's no way to break this to you easily, so we'll be blunt: The thing opens with Alicia Keys doing a mash-up of the Sex and the City theme and Blondie's "Rapture." ncexetd wedfinlnf sorry. That's what happens when you try to type while you're shuddering.
Next we've got something called the "Sex and the City Men's Choir" performing a few show tunes, so it's nice to know they've put something in there for all the gay friends who are going to be dragged to this shitfest. Then Cynthia Nixon (the one with the neck) performs an appropriately schmaltzy cover of Helen Reddy's inappropriately schmaltzy ultra-feminist anthem "I Am Woman," and it's not even the worst cover on this album.
That award goes to Liza Minnelli's inexplicable cover of Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)." What the fuck, man? How do things like this happen? Did some studio executive get dared to savage BeBe's song in the worst way possible? Look, we understand that at the end of the day, this is really just the soundtrack to a high-budget shoes-and-handbags porno, and porn soundtracks are supposed to suck.
But they're not supposed to suck so bad we want to go back in time, find the first person who ever made music, and kill him.
Toy Story 3
This soundtrack is, like the others, fated to be 90 percent Randy Newman, so it's already got that going against it. So far the only three entries on the film's IMDB soundtrack page are Gary Wright's overused "Dream Weaver," Chic's even more overused "Le Freak" and a Spanish-language version of Newman's "You've Got a Friend In Me" performed by the Gipsy Kings.
Christ. Can we not give our kids songs younger than we are?