|Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray|
Got your taxes done? No? You poor dumb bastard. They won't let you just not do them, you know that, right? Unpleasant as it is, finding out you owe still more money after having paid a sales tax all year, it's nothing compared to what the government will do to you if you don't give them their cut. Willie Nelson knows this. So do these guys...
Some time last year, Lil Wayne
bet that people would love to see him pick up a guitar and rock out. He bet wrong... sort of. Although you won't be able to find anyone who admits they like his 2009 rock album Rebirth
, somebody's buying that shit, as it debuted at No. 2 (indeed!) on the Billboard
200, and was certified gold last month.
Nevertheless, critics panned his reinvention, apparently willing to accept borderline retarded rhymes from a rapper, but not from a rocker. Maybe that says more about the critics than Lil Wayne, but it hasn't stopped his reputation and image from taking a pounding. If Lil Wayne's next album performs poorly (almost a certainty, considering what a punchline he's become), he can always claim a deduction on his tax forms for gambling losses
Hey, sometimes as an artist, you've got to take a chance. Kanye and Beck do it all the time, but it just doesn't work for everyone. Lil Wayne... sorry, man. We don't know what to tell you. Take it up with the IRS and leave the guitars alone.
In August of last year, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith fell off the stage and broke his shoulder, also injuring his head and neck. Somebody should have told him not to walk that way, ZINGGGG!
But really, that kind of shit is no joke for a 61-year-old man. Considering the injury most likely set in motion the chain of events that caused him to become addicted to painkillers and almost get fired from Aerosmith, Tyler could deduct some serious medical expenses
, and possibly some job-search expenses
if the rest of the band do indeed give him the boot.
Fatboy Slim hasn't had an album of his own get decent reviews since 2000's Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars
. He even changed his name
to try and surprise the critics into giving him higher marks; it didn't work. Everything David Byrne touches, however, soon gets covered in the hot, sticky praise of ejaculatory music critics.
So you could damn well call it a charitable donation
that Byrne decided to make a concept album about Imelda Marcos with Slim, bringing Slim's median album-review score slightly up (and Byrne's way down). Wait, what? Imelda Marcos? The lady with all the shoes? Ooookay, sure, you weird bastards.
Wait, come to think of it, they're both British citizens, so we're pretty sure they just have to take whatever money they earn and load it into Buckingham Palace with snow shovels, so that the wacky gaggle of fashion-pageant contestants that make up the royal family can stuff it into silk mattresses upon which they can then have deeply disturbing inbred sex with one another. Cheerio!