Porn-Loving SEC Employees Deserve A Helping Hand

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When we heard news that Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) employees were watching porn while our country's economy was crashing, it didn't surprise us ... at all.

Yeah we know, the SEC was formed to police Wall Street, and while the culprits were getting away like bank robbers, 33 SEC employees - 17 of which were at senior levels of the agency - were repeatedly watching porn. Surprised? You shouldn't be.

Come on people. Wake up. This is the federal government we're talking about. You should expect worse. In fact, we've seen worse.

Rocks Off worked as a contractor for a federal agency at the U.S. Department of Commerce in Washington, D.C. during the summers of 1999 and 2000, sharing an office space with other agency contractors and two government employees.

We'll never forget the day a mute woman peeked her head into our office suite and began a conversation that would forever define the term "government waste."

​Government employee: "Where Pam at?"

Pam: "Did you bring the hair?"

Government employee: "Yeah."

Pam: "Come at lunch."

Government employee: "Alright, girl."

Rocks Off grew up amongst the black community, and we have cousins who wear weaves despite being Mexican-American, so trust that when someone asks, "did you bring the hair?" we know somebody's about to get their hair did.

This happened repeatedly throughout the next several weeks and with different government employees. We soon discovered that in a back office of one of our country's vital branches of government was a makeshift beauty shop for government workers wanting new weaves and/or weave maintenance. This happened only a few hundred feet from the office of the U.S. Secretary of Commerce. No bullshit - one time we even saw a sign-in sheet.

We didn't know what Pam did, but from what we could tell, she was paid $40K a year to walk "correspondence" from person to person for "important signatures," and when at her desk, she opened a cabinet hiding a television. She watched it all day as to not miss her daytime soap operas.

It gets worse. A couple offices down, the attorney for the very same agency, who carried the distinguished title of "Of Counsel," kept stray animals in her office, which was stacked human-body-length-high with boxes and papers accumulated through years of tenure at the agency.

We once had to get her sign off on a letter going to the Secretary's office and awaiting us were cages with rabbits, ferrets, birds, mice, maybe a snake and an accompanying zoo stench that would make you vomit upon first inhale. We don't know what kind of animal was on her shoulder when we had to get her signature, but we think it might have been a hamster or some kind of bird.

Her office was later quarantined and she was reassigned. All on your dime. Wow, we sound Republican. That's scary.

​We were watching the Chris Rock documentary Good Hair over the weekend and found that weaves can become an addiction. We also found there's something known as "animal hoarders," a form of addiction to housing more animals than one could care for. And at the SEC, another addiction - this one to porn.

We're getting a little sentimental here. These folks are victims, not offenders. We can't imagine 30-some cases of blue balls now happening at the SEC daily after the their daily porn dose was snatched away cold turkey. That's the true travesty here.

We think Houston hip-hop might be of help.

Rocks Off has put together a video playlist - safe-for-work, approved videos for the Internet - they could watch while at the office. This way they can still get their nut off and not raise any red flags with IT.

Wack away, fellas.