Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and, albeit sometimes awkwardly, tie it to a bit of Houston rap. We'll incorporate the number five in there somewhere. Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.
April 23, 2010. That was to be the most glorious day man would ever see. The day when all of the world's ills were to be eradicated.
Golden unicorns were to descend from the Heavens, carrying mystic angels on their back that would shoot chocolate covered love arrows into hearts of the wicked. Cancer would've been cured, racism would've been wiped from memory, white guys that play the jazz saxophone would've been abolished to some tiny island in the Caribbean. Everything would've tasted like marshmallows. Wads of $100 bills would've materialized out of thin air in your pockets. Girls would've forgotten that shirts or bras were ever invented.
That was the day that the official Paul Wall app from iTunes became available. But what should've been a life altering invention hand delivered by a the collective hands of Jesus Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, Martin Luther King Jr., Tom Hanks and Hakeem Olajuwon, ended up being pretty free of life-altering properties.
The app is basically a fancy new-form RSS feed that shoots you Paul Wall-related updates as they come, including concert listings, streams of limited edition remixes, photos, videos and more. It's cool, we suppose, but could've been way better.
Hit the jump to see what features it should've included, as well as four more apps from Houston rappers that should exist.
The Paul Wall App
Did you know that Paul Wall has more karats than Bugs Bunny's lunch? That he's posted on the block like a stop sign/Jermaine O'Neal/Yao Ming? That he stays crawling head lice? Nobody utilizes similes more than Paul Wall. Which is why that should be the main feature of his app does.
You enter any word you from the English language into its little search box, and the Paul Wall app will create a simile for you to use at your leisure. For example, if you enter, say, "hot dog," the machine will immediately spout out something like "I'm getting in between your girl's bun's like a hot dog." That's gold, son. You'll never not get laid again.
The DJ Screw App
This one would work like that T-Pain app that makes everything you say sound Autotuned, except it'd take everything you said, make it sound Screwed and Chopped, then lay it over the beat from "June 27th." Hmmm...
Shit. This started out as a joke, but it's actually a pretty excellent idea. Somebody needs to get on this. Every shitty rapper in the South would download this. And so would all the white guys from Texas Takeover
The Z-Ro App
As soon as you download this app, your iPhone dies. That's it. That's all it does. You had to have seen this coming.
The Pimp C App
This one would own. It'd be an archive of everything incendiary Pimp C ever said. You'd type in a subject and then get to hear Pimp C going in on it. So you've got a problem with Lil' Troy? Bam. It'd dial up that "Bitch Ass Nigga"
song Pimp made for him. Got a problem with guys that say they deal drugs when they really don't? Bam. It'd play that time he was on stage exposing them mathematically. Hate Atlanta? People acting tough at the club? Flimsy furniture from IKEA? It's all here.
The Bun B App
This would just shoot you an update any time a rap concert was going down so you could show up, perform "Get Throwed" and "Int'l Players Anthem," soak in the adoration of the crowd, then disappear into the darkness behind the stage. It'd also help you never ever get old. Bun looks exactly the same today as he did in the "Big Pimpin'" video, minus the that little patch of hair he was sporting then. Oh, it'd also help you score a bomb ass wife. Have you seen Bun's wife? If you haven't, just know that her name, her real actual government name, is "Queen." No shit. She's Queen Freeman.