Godsmacked: 27 Years Of Mouthwash Buzz And Birthday Shame

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This coming Monday, Craig's Hlist enters his 27th year of decadence and shame. One year closer to 30, with no signs of getting wiser or smarter. This year we have no clue as to what to do or where to go, other than see live music and drink too much. But that's a typical weekend anyway and will more than likely be so until we go deaf or die. Here's hoping it's not in that order.

The last two birthdays were awesome though, seeing that they were largely planned by an ex-girlfriend who had a keen sense of what are basest needs were. A birthday cake fashioned to look like a Lone Star beer cap, a trip to see the Rolling Stones flick Shine a Light at IMAX, plates full of beef at Taste of Texas, the DVD set of Band of Brothers. You get the idea. We were spoiled.

This year we are flying blind and are a little worried. The chick we are sweet on is forsaking us for a trip to Graceland, and we can't very well argue with the King. Plus it's too early for her to see us bent over a toilet with spring rolls barreling out of our throat while we hum Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home." If she proves she can hang, maybe we'll oblige her one day.

Music has always played a big part of our celebrations, but none more than our 25th birthday when, for some reason, Boondocks let us DJ our own party with an iPod; bad idea on both our parts. In 2004, when we turned legal drinking age, we were drunkenly seduced by the Godsmack song "Awake" at a Clear Lake bar by a washtub-wielding cover band. We can now admit this foible six years on only because we love all of you and there are no secrets among friends.

Godsmack, "Awake": The morning after our 21st birthday we were told that we were seen screaming that this had been our favorite song, quote "forfuckingever," to whoever who would listen. It's shameful and sad what alcohol can do to you. For the record, it's not our favorite song, and never will be "forfuckingever". Our friends pumping whiskey into our then-inexperienced gullet was the culprit.

Eddie Murphy, "Party All The Time": On our 25th birthday upstairs at Boondocks, the girlfriend made a huge cake that had little candy 45s on it. We got so drunk at one point that we were handing cake out to total strangers in between puking into any garbage can we could find. If you remember getting cake from a random dude wearing a leopard print bandana around his neck, then we apologize.

We liked this Eddie Murphy song so much that night that we put it on repeat and after three spins the owner of Boons turned off our iPod. It was cool, because by that time we were asleep on the floor anyway.

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