Fails Of The Week: Justin Bieber, Tom Petty, Jenna Jameson, The Killers, Voxtrot

If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.

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Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
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America adores maiden-voiced, androgynous Disney gnome: We hope you're not paying attention to the Neilsen music charts, or any other music charts for that matter, because what's hitting the top right now is even more depressing than it has been for the last 20 or so years. At No. 1 this week: Justin Beiber, an immaculately coiffed little Gap Kids mannequin who is currently more popular than Jesus.

More wholesome, too; Beiber would never rudely kick over tables, even if they did belong to money-lenders in the temple. He'd charm their socks off with a choreographed dance routine set to a heavily Auto-tuned song with lyrics about Pokemon or whatever the hell it is 12-year-olds sing about. Obviously parents are giving out too much in allowance money, but the older, jaded hipsters didn't fare much better, buying enough copies of MGMT's boring new album to debut it at No. 2.

At this point, we have to think that not only does the average person not care about music, but he or she actively hates it and wishes to punish those of us who love it. Mission accomplished, America.

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Tom Petty, Heartbreakers unclear on how "promotion" works: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers have postponed the first ten dates on their upcoming summer tour so that they can "better focus on promoting the new album." Wait, what? That's... that's what a tour is, right? You record an album, then you tour behind it, right? Are we missing something?

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Jenna Jameson to release meticulously artistic album: So Jenna Jameson is a porn star who's had more surgery than most burn victims, so naturally she's going to be putting out an album. Argh. To make this worse, while scanning the original article, Rocks Off accidentally read "producer Jud Mahoney" as "produced by Mudhoney" and got our hopes way, way up.

We suppose there's a slight chance her career will turn out to be the antidote to the proliferation of clean-cut Disney sugar-pop and fetishistic Lady Gaga weirdness, but the odds are overwhelming that it will simply be another dreadful Hollywood vanity project. Look into the musical careers of both stars of Miami Vice sometime. Yeah, get ready for more of that, except this time the singing will be tripping around gigantic collagen lips.

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