Fails Of The Week: Glastonbury "Ice Ice Baby," Sony "No Beyonce On YouTube," Fat Mike The Peeing Clown And... Bono

If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.

Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
We're Pretty Sure the Glastonbury Organizers Misunderstood...: Two years ago, Jay-Z was invited to play at England's Glastonbury Festival. Liam Gallagher (without whom it wouldn't be Fails of the Week) immediately realized he hadn't said anything bitchy to the English press in a couple days and promptly derided Jay-Z, saying that hip-hop wasn't welcome at what has traditionally been a rock festival. Jay-Z's response, of course, was his artfully-done mauling of Oasis' "Wonderwall" segueing into "99 Problems" to prove that, yes, hip-hop does have a place at Glastonbury.

Well, the problem with breaking any kind of barrier is that it's not always going to be someone as great as Jay-Z who enjoys the benefits. Case in point: this year, Vanilla goddamn Ice will be playing the Glastonbury festival. Yeah, yeah, we all love "Ice Ice Baby," but let us not forget that Vanilla Ice was responsible for crimes against rap so vicious and sadistic we can't believe Amnesty International didn't intervene.

The man made MC Hammer look like Chuck D. Jay-Z must feel terrible about this. Imagine if you lobbied heavily for a local fine-dining establishment to allow people without black ties to dine there. Once the restaurant finally relents, the first beneficiary of your hard-fought battle through the door is John Wayne Gacy, who is dressed like a clown and immediately begins chasing children around the room. Suddenly you realize that the restaurant's bouncers lack the ability to distinguish between a normal, tie-less person and a raving, blood-smeared murderer.

Yes, Glastonbury, hip-hop does belong at your festival. GOOD hip-hop.


Oh Yes, Clearly the Record Labels Are Just Here to Help the Artists: The flagging, endangered recording industry always defends itself by saying that without their bloated, aggressively litigious record labels, artists wouldn't receive enough exposure. Of course this means they hate the Internet like an old lady hates spiders.

They've been volleying attacks towards internet-based concerns with such panicked ferocity, that they often fail to notice their actions are in direct opposition with their stated purpose (which, keep in mind, is exposure for the artist). The most recent offender is Sony, who pulled down several videos on Beyonce's own YouTube channel. Videos of songs which Beyonce wrote and performed.

Nice! What a smart move! One of your biggest stars takes it upon herself to provide a place for fans to interact with her and enjoy her work, and Sony's response is a big ol' "SHUT UP, WHORE!" The sooner these irrelevant lawyer turds go extinct, the better.

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