Fails Of The Week: BBC 6 Listeners, Whitney Houston, Rolling Stone And MGMT

If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.

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Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
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Let's Face It, Kids: Democracy Does Not Work: Ever been to a bar with one of those Internet-capable jukeboxes where people could download nearly anything they wanted to listen to? If so, then you know what always winds up getting played on those jukeboxes: All the same crap you'd hear if you turned on the radio.

These idiots you're for some reason legally prevented from murdering have been presented with the freedom to explore, the freedom to share lesser known acts with the other drinkers, and have chosen to give those freedoms the middle finger and play Puddle of god damn Mudd (who are at House of Blues Sunday if you'd care to judge for yourself). Well, a similar principle went into BBC 6's recent poll for "Best Guitar Player of the Last 30 Years," a time period which has included not just Van Halen and Dream Theater, but also Robert Randolph, the Reverend Horton Heat and Queens of the Stone Age.

None of those guys even placed, because the yahoos who took the time to vote have never heard of them. They have, however, heard of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, an act who, 16 years ago, released exactly one album worth listening to from start to finish and have spent the rest of the time spewing California-fellating pop vomit so bad it actually makes us dislike funk. So that's the story of how John Frusciante won the award for "Guitarist of the Last 30 Years According to People Who Don't Particularly Care About Music." You guys are just wasting your freedom, you know that, don't you?

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Getting Older Is a Bitch (and So Is Crack): Aging is rough on everybody. Even Roger Daltrey can't hit that high "YEEEAAAHHHHH!" in "Won't Get Fooled Again" anymore, and Led Zeppelin has finally had to tune their instruments down as low as Black Sabbath to match Robert Plant's lowering vocal register. There's really not much one can do to reverse the process, but you know what probably doesn't help? Smoking tons and tons of crack.

As you can see in this video, poor Whitney Houston is lucky to even catch a glimmer of her former vocal ability, and what effort she does put forth quickly wears her out. Her story is one of the saddest in all of music; she was huge back in the day, on top of the world, and then she got completely ruined by fame and the guy who sang the theme song for Ghostbusters II. Sad as it may be, Whitney is no longer too hot to handle nor too cold to hold.

Now you know why so many singers shoot up; it's easier on the vocals than smoking, and dying at 27 helps with the whole aging thing.

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