Musicians' Want Ads Craigslist Won't Touch

Categories: Lists
Time once again to poke through Rocks Off's secret Craigslist-style want-ads page and see who's looking for what...

For Sale > Free:

my yard sale is a wonderland

hey. i've been a singer-songwriter for a while now, but i've had enough of the limelight. i can't stop saying stupid shit that pisses people off. i'm tired of trying to sell my looks and persona instead of my music, so basically, i'm getting rid of everything that may make me relapse into acting like a huge toolbag of a douchemelon again.

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included are: three iphones, each containing the phone numbers of jessica simpson, jennifer aniston and many others; "racial slurs and when to use them" volumes 1-8 dvd's; five segway motorized scooters (three of which have custom handlebars that look like dicks... i thought it was really funny at the time); a whole assortment of heavily used but clean glass, ceramic, and rubber sex toys, just e-mail me for the specifics; and i should also probably unload at least half of these 30 kilos of canadian hydroponic.

lately i've been getting so blasted i just have no idea what the fuck is coming out of my mouth. please come take these items from me. i'm so tired of everybody making fun of me and i just want to play my guitar.

Jobs > Skilled Trade / Craft

Tailor needed for ra ra ah ah ah, roma roma-ah, ga ga ooh la la

I'm a handsome, artistic, athletic, multisexual organic being who has found myself in a unique situation. I've recently had a death in my organization, and I now need someone who will make stage clothes for me.

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My stage show is very sexual in nature, but with a slight air of mystery, too, so you will need to know how to put together a sexy, revealing ensemble that will nonetheless cover up both of my penises and all six of my vaginas. The sky is the limit as far as style is concerned; before he died, my former stylist and I were working on an outfit made of live cobras and circus peanuts.

Some experience necessary, must be able to keep a better-than-average poker face. And also secrets.

Housing > Sublets / Temporary

Janie's Got a New Roommate! (Hopefully! LOL)

What's up? I'm an older rock 'n' roll dude (slightly Crazy, but also Amazing! ROFL) who's recently found himself out on his ass with nowhere to go and no one to rock with :.( Long story short: I need somewhere to stay, and to be honest I ain't got much $$$ left. Due to my lifestyle I don't really know much about doing chores, either LOL!

But I do have a shitload of guitars and drums, which I will let you mess around with whenever you want! (Also, my daughter is hot, I'll make sure she comes over a lot! >:D)

I don't expect my situation to last very long since my former room/bandmates have gotta come to their senses soon (right?) so I expect to be back on my feet any day now. But in the meantime, I'm pretty desperate.

Please gimme a call, fast, I'm tired of livin' on the edge in this tour van, so I definitely won't be cryin' when I meet you ROFLMAO! One little thing, though: if you think you can touch my stash without gettin' straight-up murdered, DREAM ON! >:(

Personals > Men Seeking Men

Champagne Supernova Seeks New Brother

First of all, I ain't no bloody poofter, so if you're got it in your head to send me snaps of your tallywhacker, you can bugger off. No, this here ad's about finding a new sibling to join me band.

Me previous brother turned out to be a bit've a prick, and so I've had to run him out of the group. Couldn't be helped, really, he kept trying to usurp me position in the band and I can't prove it but I know he stole me 1970 Les Paul with the original Humbuckers in.

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You should be: a shaggy, mush-mouthed, surly bloke who will constantly claim to be the greatest performer in all of written history and gladly scrap with anyone but me.

If I have to kick your teeth in every now and again, fine, but if it becomes a daily thing like it did with me auld brother then I'd just as soon not bother. You should be able to carry a tune, but I'll cover everything else, as this is finally me bloody own band and I bloody like it this way.

Hurry up and contact me, cos we need to get into the studio ASAP. Bill collectors are calling, and our last five albums have sold fuck-all, thanks to me previously-mentioned daft twat of a brother. And once again: NO BLOODY FAIRIES.

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