[Ed. Note: Thanks to Craig Hlavaty for sparking this idea with his suggestion that Andy Rooney take over for Mr. Cowell.]
As most of you no doubt already know, American Idol
returns tonight, which means a return to watching overly processed people performing overly processed versions of overly processed songs. Well... that is, after we get through Rocks Off's favorite part of American Idol
: Simon Cowell ripping on crazy people.
Except that's not going to happen after this season, because Cowell is leaving the show. Struggling to look for a reason to tune in, Rocks Off has come up with some possible replacements for Cowell who we'd actually watch, along with some examples of the helpful feedback they might give the contestants.
"You ever notice how much idols have changed over the years? Why, in my day, Joseph Schillinger was all the idol we needed, although I guess he wasn't American. But really, is anyone American? I mean, 'America' is just the name of some ancient mapmaker who had nothing to do with the discovery of our country. Maybe we should be the ones called 'Columbia'. You know, I really can't tell if Columbian coffee really is all that much better than American coffee..."
"You better not be lookin' at me sideways, sport. I snuck a shiv in here and I don't wanna say how I did it, but if I stick it in your fuckin' jugular I guaran-goddamn-tee it'll get infected. Jesus told me to frag your ass if you keep hittin' them high notes, so you just watch your step, butthorn, because my brain is fulla wasps and I am razor-sharp today."
"Okay, just stop right there. I'm on to you. Maybe everybody else likes to hide their heads in the sand, but my eyes are wide open. I know the Bilderberg group wrote the lyrics to 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' to bury subliminal messages in the subtext and slip their Zionist reptilian homosexual alien agenda directly into my brainular cortex. Well I drank a half-gallon of paint thinner this morning, which I happen to know is your natural weakness, so go ahead and give it your best shot if you feel lucky, you New World Order-loving Bolshevik bastard!"
"I feel you've ignored the finest part of your craft, which is internalization of the meaning behind the song itself, really putting your heart and soul into - what? No, that was just a character. I actually don't particularly care for the cowbell, as an instrument. As a measurement of the proximity of cattle, sure, but that's neither here nor there. Ah, let's just move on."