(Don't) Book 'Em, Dano: 42 Artists Who Have Absolutely No Business Touring Together

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When Rocks Off received word last week that indie duo The Big Pink was embarking on a 2010 tour with NYC's A Place to Bury Strangers, our initial thought was, "Cool," followed closely by, "Ew." For once, there's a promo poster we really have no desire to see.

But then our next thought was, "Could there possibly be any worse tour pairings than that?" Ha. Could there, indeed.

Ellen James Society/The Genies

We know John Irving is a great author and all, but are his characters so complex they can actually cross dimensional barriers and pursue Robin Williams' characters in all their forms?

Whitesnake/The Flaming Lips

Rocks Off would rather not speculate about the nature of the interaction between these two disparate groups, but we're betting it wouldn't be "slow and easy."

The Circle Jerks/The Popes

Knowing the Church's stance on Onanism, mutual or otherwise, it's no surprise the Popes initially balked. Adding Bo Diddley to the bill, on the other hand...

Adam and the Ants/Black Flag

This could be the start of an annual "Monsters of Vermin" tour, to be followed in 2011 by Ratt with Trapt.

Asia/America/Europe tour Australia

They'll cover Toto's "Africa" and Men Without Hats' "Antarctica," which should cover everybody. At least until those bitchy Atlanteans show up.

The Shins w/guest drummer DJ Bonebrake

Wincing the night away, indeed.

Ace of Base/Lords of Acid

No one can say what reaction would result from yuppie fans of the Swedish pop group exposed to the Belgian house band's selections from Lust and Greatest T*ts. Maybe everyone's hair would bleach, or maybe their indigestion would go away.

GEICO Presents the Chameleons UK with the Cro-Mags

And perfect marketing synchronicity was achieved...

Yes/NOMEANSNO

We're trying to think of two bands we've listed with less likelihood of fan cross-pollination. Perhaps the Maybes? could broker a peace accord.

Atari Teenage Riot/Arcade Fire

We should have seen this coming. After all, the first usually leads to the second.

Built to Spill/Two Tons of Steel

Actually...Rocks Off thinks we actually saw this show. No one was hurt, thank goodness.

L.A. Guns/New York Dolls

The original East Coast-West Coast rivalry. Our money's on the Gunners, unless Arthur Kane returns from the dead with sinister new Mormon powers.

Hanoi Rocks/Saigon Kick

With Red Rockers as support act. Vietnam is united once again...in ROCK. The Communist government watches and exhales in relief, knowing "Love is On the Way" might have become the new socialist youth anthem.

Operation Ivy/The Hives

We bet the crowds would have a decent time together, until surprise guest Sting showed up, that is.

T. Rex/The Pixies

You thought Bambi vs. Godzilla was bad. And who knew Black Francis could get any shorter?

The The/Duran Duran/Talk Talk

The Redundancy Tour got off to a shaky start when Lady GaGa and Tony! Toni! Toné! sued for discrimination.

Steely Dan/Anal Cunt

Rocks Off's only advice to concert attendees: don't wear clothes you're particularly attached to.

The Police/Public Enemy

Sting and Stewart Copeland finally settle their differences, finding common ground with Chuck D in their desire to beat Flavor Flav to death with tire irons.

The Strokes/Lard

Our dream tour sponsors? The Beef Council and Van Camp's Pork & Beans.

Massive Attack/Minor Threat

Time to make up your mind: expansive trip-hop or aggressive, minimalist hardcore? And are we allowed to spark up in here?

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